I'm Stepping In

Same old same old

2011-12-26T08:00:00.000-05:00

Finishing up latest update - should be posted very soon!

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas...

2009-12-24T20:30:00.002-05:00

Catch up:

*In mid Nov, hearing for DH's petition for contempt was scheduled for December 3rd.

*CPS case in BM's state was closed shortly after the hearing was set.

*DH received copy of CPS report in BM's state. BM denied ever having huffed with or without SS1 and SS2, but Perpetual Fiance admitted he was a huffer. CPS assessed a low risk, since BM stated they would now be buying whipped cream in a tub.

*December 2nd, DH's lawyer gets a call from the court clerk stating BM wanted a continuance because she wanted to make sure the judge had the CPS report and she had not submitted one yet. DH's lawyer let the clerk know that we had a copy we would be happy to submit to the court. BM's request for a continuance was denied. (Made her look pretty stupid that she was the one that wanted the court to have the report, yet DH was able to have his act together enough to already have a copy! Apparently she didn't care enough to get her copy ahead of time.)

*December 3rd, contempt hearing - parenting plan ordered this spring specifically states that neither parent will subject SS1 and SS2 to anyone doing illegal drugs, including either parent. Due to BM's contempt of this order by teaching the boys to huff from whipped cream containers, DH is asking for BM's parenting time to be suspended pending 1) Substance Abuse assessment, 2) Mental Health assessment, 3) Parenting classes, and 4) BM petitioning the court to hold another hearing to determine if parenting time should be reinstated.

-Judge heard from DH's attorney - he spoke for about 5 minutes recapping what had happened.

-Judge asked for info from our state's CPS who had interviewed the boys. We tried to get the report submitted, but BM had not signed the release yet (big surprise), so all the judge would allow the attorney to do is read parts into the record, since BM agreed to that verbally. Judge was not happy BM hadn't done anything to get the report released.

-Judge received CPS report from BM's state from DH's lawyer. This was able to be submitted because BM had already signed a release for her copy.

-Judge heard from BM (she always appears telephonically). 10 minute rant. Highlights include 1) her list of medical ailments (including mental health issues), 2) the high dose of Oxycontin she has been prescribed for the last 8 years (BM's words : I take so much Oxycontin, what do I need whipped cream for?) 3) She has "voluntarily" taken herself off of ALL her meds, and has been suffering weeks of withdrawal for the boys 4) DH takes her to court all the time (since divorce was final in 2002, we have only gone back 2x - once was a joint petition to allow DH to move out of state with the boys, and once was to have the parenting plan changed to meet our current state standards), basically, her first 10 minutes where spent playing the victim card.

-Judge hears from DH's attorney again. Short and sweet - both the boys reported the abuse to DH, CPS and our local police chief. There is no reason to believe the boys would not be telling the truth.

-Judge hears from BM again. Another 10 minute rant, (this time completely used to deflect and project, since victim wasn't working out well for her) which included using curse words in front of the judge, accusing SS1 and SS2 of smoking pot since they were 12 (which surprisingly she has never reported to authorities and forgot to mention to the GAL at the beginning of this year, hmmm), accusing SS1 of making this all up because he didn't want to go out at Christmas (she told the judge that she had told SS1 he had to either come for every day he has off, or not come at all. The current parenting plan leaves the travel plans up to the boys - they decide how much of their time they want to spend there. BM's ultimatum violates the parenting plan and very clearly shows that it is all about HER and not the boys). This last point peaked the judges interest enough to ask her a follow-up question. (Our suspicion is that it was to confirm what appeared to be his current perception that she is completely nuts and lying through her teeth.)

-Judge asks BM the follow up question, very simple. When did you have this conversation with SS1 that leads you to believe SS1 and SS2 made up the huffing allegations to get out of traveling to see you?

-BM stutters, hesitates, uhmms, and then states she'd have to look at her calendar. Judge asks could she tell him what month? Stutter, hesitation, uhmmms, it was September, the day before CPS came to see her.

***********BM just put the last nail in her coffin.***********

(Boys reported to CPS in August, CPS came to visit her in October.)

-Judge says that he'll take what she has to say into consideration, gets up and leaves the courtroom. Judge was pissed.

DH's lawyer was shocked. He'd never had a judge just get up and leave and not make a final address to both parties. After listening to her 20 minutes worth of rants of horrible accusations, we were all a bit overwhelmed. DH's lawyer didn't know what to make of it, and the waiting game began. After a week, an order still had not been made. After two weeks, an order was "in the system" but the clerk could give no further info. Finally, December 22nd, we finally hear from the lawyer - he received a copy of the order.

1) BM's parenting time is suspended, she is found in contempt.
2) BM is required to submit a Substance Abuse Assessment.
3) BM is required to petition the court for another hearing to determine if parenting time is reinstated.
4) Judge handwrites on the order that the court is NOT convinced that the children are lying.

So now the boys do not have to be sent back to BM until she gets the assessment, files it with the court, and requests another hearing. I don't see making traveling plans anytime soon!

While we are disappointed that the judge did not order the parenting classes DH requested, we are pleased that BM stated on record some of her mental health issues herself. She also admitted that Perpetual Fiance was a drug user, while in her mind deflected the attention off herself, but in reality, had she read the parenting plan closely enough, she would have realized that in itself was grounds for contempt. We don't believe for one minute that she did not huff with the boys, but if her admitting Perpetual Fiance does it was enough to tip the judge to issue the contempt, so be it. We are also quite pleased that BM's parenting time will not be reinstated until SHE completes several actions. With BM's history of follow-through, just about non-existent, we are quite confident that BM will drop the ball on reinstating parenting time herself. She's already told the boys they won't be coming for a year, so it seems she's not really in a hurry to get any of it done.

As well as court went for DH, we are extremely disappointed in the CPS investigation in her state. Our state's investigator was very concerned, but as BM lives in another state, his hands were tied. The investigator in BM's state sounded like she was fresh out of school when DH talked to her on the phone. Her report clearly indicates that she completely bought BM's story about not huffing with the children, and is completely naive if she thinks that anyone who admits to huffing whipped cream is now going to buy whipped cream in a tub. Whatever! The fact that BM's household was not required to receive some substance abuse assistance from CPS is horrible. The boys have a younger sister that is subjected to this everyday. And if BM and Perpetual Fiance haven't huffed with her yet, it won't be long.

Hopefully BM takes some time to get the help she needs, but with her parents constantly making excuses for her and provide for her (they told the boys they don't believe that the huffing happened, they pay for her phone, rent, travel, etc), a Perpetual Fiance that will constantly take the bullet for her, and a child (the boys younger sister) that has been programmed to never tell anything that happens at their house to anyone else, the chances of her ever getting better are pretty slim. SS1 turns 18 next October, so he won't have to deal with her "parenting time" anymore. SS2 will probably be 16 or older before he ever goes back, if he does at all. Aside from any retaliatory actions BM may take, which I'm sure will not amount to anything more than a pain in the ass, DH and I are finally able to breathe a sigh of relief after 10 years! We could not ask for a better present!

Anyone out there that is worried the chaos may never end, don't ever lose faith. Having spent almost 25% of my life dealing with BM's terrorism, having wondered myself if I was strong enough, if DH was strong enough, if the kids were strong enough to survive, I can tell you that focusing on whatever positive there is will get you through. Step by step, inch by inch, frustration after frustration, change can happen. While it may not come fast enough to save your children's childhood, every positive action you take to try to overcome will be one more piece of their lives you can claim back for them. Every injustice you bring to light will teach them they should not allow themselves to be abused.

A big shout out to Mister M at thepsychoexwife.com, and everyone on thepsychoexwife.com forums for all the support, encouragement, strategy assistance and humor! Without finding this group of wonderful people all suffering through emotional terrorism of their own, I don't know if DH and I would have had the strength to continue the struggle.

Thank you, Perpetual Fiance!

2009-11-08T20:23:00.002-05:00

So apparently Perpetual Fiance has gained control in his own home. Instead of being BM's lapdog and allowing himself to be forced into continuing BM's chaos by making phone threats to DH, he has actually put his foot down. After BM's hysterical verbal beating on SS1 this afternoon, Perpetual Fiance left SS1 a message, letting him know that BM's behavior was inappropriate and that the boys should not be worrying about anything. He then intercepted SS2's call with BM to lay down the same ground rules. Finally! Don't know where this sense of clarity has come from, but the boys certainly appreciate the support. DH knows exactly what this man deals with on a day to day basis with BM, and we've always wanted to have his back should he need our support, but it has been difficult to help when he's made it clear he has been forced to protect his own parental interests with his daughter by doing BM's bidding.

Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)

And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.

But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?

BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.

You'd think she'd learn...

2009-11-08T16:22:00.004-05:00

Does BM really think calling the kids to swear, scream, and threaten makes them have a stronger relationship? Clueless and out of control. The boys are so over it. Will she ever understand that she is damaging her relationship with her children herself?

Over the hills, through the woods, it's off to court we go...

2009-11-07T21:01:00.005-05:00

DH talked to the caseworker in BM's state. The case is still open. All the other times cases have been opened on BM, they have been closed in a matter of weeks. We are going on to the fourth month now. Obviously there is something else going on over there...perhaps the level of domestic discord in the house? ...perhaps prescription drug addiction? ...perhaps BM's unstable mental health? One can only guess, these are just the things we have experienced - who knows what goes on when the boys aren't there that we don't even know about. The caseworker made it very clear that she does not see the case closing anytime soon - that was all she would tell him. Confidentiality, ya know. WTF? DH is supposed to send two kids to her house and he doesn't have the right to know what is going on there?

DH filed the contempt petition (for the huffing) almost two weeks ago, he's still waiting on a hearing date to serve on BM. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts with the eagle eyes of CPS on her. He's asking the judge to suspend her parenting time (ugh, it makes me just want to gag using that phrase, she is so far from a parent!) until the CPS case is closed, and then require BM to petition the court to resume her time after copies of the report are furnished to the judge and DH, and after a hearing is held. I can't believe we finally have enough to take to court, and BM did it all to herself.

I'll keep you posted as we find out more. As always, the waiting game begins...

Whip-it, whip-it good.

2009-09-30T21:28:00.004-04:00

SS1's week trip was midway through SS2's 6 week trip. Shortly after we picked SS1 up from the airport, DH and SS1 took a road trip to visit DH's parents. DH called me from the road - he'd about had it. SS1 had spent 4 hours complaining about his trip. It would take hours to type up all of it, and almost all of it we can't do anything about anyway. However...

...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?

Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.

When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?

As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!

After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.

She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.

Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...

Final Hearing and Parenting Plan

2009-09-30T21:15:00.004-04:00

Final hearing was set for the end of May. Of course, BM waits until the last minute to contact our lawyer to settle. But whatever. Our plan worked, asking for sole decision making completely tweaked her out, and she agreed to everything else in the parenting plan, as long as joint decision making remained. Ummm, yeah. There was no way DH would get sole decision making. But thanks for walking right into that one. You can find the final parenting plan below, with my favorite parts in bold ; )

At the hearing, BM rambles on about the boys' phone again. She told the judge the phone was on my computer. Huh? DH explained the boys' have their own hand held Skype phone with their own voice mail. Marital Master asked DH if he would be willing to tell the boys to call BM if she hasn't heard from them in a week. DH said no problem, but it is not in the order.

This parenting plan is: Proposed by DH and BM
This parenting plan is: Changing a prior final parenting plan or a prior final
custody/visitation order.
This parenting plan is for the following children born to the parties:
SS1, SS2

A. Decision-Making Responsibility:

1. Major Decisions: Both parents maintain joint
decision making responsibility and share in the responsibility for making
major decisions about the children.

2. Day-to-Day Decisions: Each parent shall make day-to day decisions for
the children during the time he/she is caring for the children. In “life threatening”
emergency decisions affecting the health or safety of the
children, the parent who makes the decision will notify the other parent
within 3 hours of the emergency, with a description of the incident,
treatment center name and phone number, and confirmation that
insurance information has been provided to the treatment center. All non
life threatening medical treatment must have prior approval of the child’s
primary care physician in the primary residence location.

B. Residential Responsibility & Parenting Schedule:
1. Routine Schedule: DH will continue to be the primary
residential parent. The children shall negotiate their own visitation
schedule, including no less than two visitations per year with their mother,
BM.

2. Holiday and Birthday Planning: No holiday and birthday schedule shall
apply. The routine schedule set forth above shall apply.

3. Three-day weekends: No three-day weekend schedule shall apply. The
routine schedule set forth above shall apply.

4. Vacation Schedule: No vacation schedule shall apply. The routine
schedule set forth above shall apply.

5. Supervised Parenting Time: Not Applicable

6. Other Parental Responsibilities: Each parent shall promote a healthy,
beneficial relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent and
shall not demean or speak out negatively in any manner that would
damage the relationship between either parent and the child(ren). Neither
parent shall permit the child(ren) to be subjected to persons abusing
alcohol or using illegal drugs. This includes the abuse of alcohol or the
use of illegal drugs by the parent.

C. Legal Residence of a Child for School Attendance:
The children shall attend school in the school district where the parent with
primary residential responsibility resides. Under this plan, that parent is DH.

D. Transportation and Exchange of the Children:
All parties shall receive notification of travel dates no less than 45 days prior to
the beginning of the visitation period. DH will be financially
responsible for 2 visitations per child per year. Once travel arrangements are made, there will be no changes in departure/return dates or destinations. Only flights cancelled by the airline will be rebooked by the purchasing party.

E. Information Sharing and Access, Including Telephone and Electronic Access:
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s school
records, and both parents are encouraged to consult with school staff concerning
the child(ren)’s welfare and education. Both parents are encouraged to
participate in and attend the child(ren)’s school events.
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive governmental agency and
law enforcement records concerning the child(ren).
Both parents have equal rights to consult with any person who may provide care
or treatment for the child(ren) and to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s medical,
dental or psychological records, subject to other statutory restrictions.

Each parent has a continuing responsibility to provide a residential, mailing, or
contact address and contact telephone number to the other parent.

1. Parent-Child Telephone Contact: The children shall be given privacy
during their conversations with either parent. The children are at an age that
they can decide the frequency of initiating phone contact and returning phone
calls. While in the care of DH, the children are provided their own
telephone and telephone line, with voicemail for BM to access. While in
the care of BM, a call will be made by DH to her phone once
a week to speak to the children, with the children being able to determine
frequency of any other calls. On school nights, telephone calls will cease 10
minutes before each child’s usual bedtime.

2. Parent-Child Written Communications: Both parents and children shall
have the right to communicate in writing or by emailing (as available) during
reasonable hours.

F. Relocation of a Residence of a Child:
The relocation of a child’s residence in which s/he lives at least 150 days per
year is governed by RSA 461-A:12. In general, either parent may move the
child’s residence if it results in the parents living closer and if it will not affect the child’s school enrollment. Prior to relocating the child’s residence farther from the other parent or in such a way that school enrollment will be impacted, the parent
shall provide reasonable notice to the other parent. For purposes of this section,
60 days notice shall be presumed to be reasonable unless other factors are
found to be present. At the request of either parent, the court shall hold a hearing
on the relocation issue.

G. Procedure for Review and Adjustment of Parenting Plan:
Any agreed-on changes, on an as needed basis, shall be written down, signed by
both and filed with the court by DH. (Each should keep a copy.) Any
such agreements may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written
agreement by both parties. Any violations of written agreements filed with the
court will be considered contempt of this order.

H. Method(s) for Resolving Disputes:
In the future, if a parent requests to alter the parenting plan and the other parent
declines, it is the responsibility of the requesting parent to seek the help of a
neutral third party to assist them, and the requesting party is responsible for any
charges that may be incurred. Only if the parents are unable to work out the
disagreement after seeking third party assistance will they ask the court to decide
the issue. If necessary, upon request of either party, a mutually agreeable
neutral third party can assist with the visitation negotiation process. The
requesting party is responsible for any charges that may be incurred.

I. Other Parenting Agreements:
1. Contact between BM and DH will be by written
communication or voice mail messages, unless dealing with emergency
medical or flight rebookings due to a flight being cancelled by the airline.
Email communications for day to day issues will be acceptable.

2. Upon obtaining a driver’s license, the child(ren) will be listed as an
insured driver on BM’s insurance policy or she shall not allow the
child(ren) to operate a motor vehicle during her parenting time.

This summer, SS1 went to BM's for 1 week. SS2 went for 6 weeks (a far cry from the "whole summer" she demanded last year ; ) We have a feeling next year he will only go out for 4 weeks, he thought 6 weeks was too long - not surprising since his main activity was babysitting his sister day in and day out.

For the most part, the time the boys were there was uneventful for us. We did receive one call from the pediatrician letting us know that BM had called AGAIN about trying to get SS2's thyroid tested. Pediatrician let her know that if there were any concerns, she would discuss it with DH after SS2 got back. We had dropped off the order in her office before the boys left, so she was well aware that BM needed her approval for anything. By the way, since last summer's thyroid fiasco, SS2 gained only 3 pounds in a year and grew almost and inch and a half. He came back from 6 weeks with BM this summer 20 pounds heavier. Me thinks it has little to do with his thyroid. Get a clue.

Since this order has been in place, BM had violated several parts. What's it been, 4 months?

1) She had SS1 drive this summer, and he is not on her insurance.

2) She spent the whole first day of SS1's trip ranting about DH and everything from the past she could sqeeze in. SS1 finally told her it has nothing to with him and he didn't want to hear about it. I'm sure SS2 got an earful too, but he's under strict instructions not to discuss anything with us, though.

2) She and the boys used an illegal drug TOGETHER. See next post...

Anyone seen my drugs?

2009-09-30T21:11:00.003-04:00

So, in addition to the info about the disorderly conduct arrest, there were a few other interesting police reports. The police had been called a couple times to deal with prescription drug issues. One call must have been made by a neighbor because BM was mid-rant when the cop showed up. Perpetual Fiance was extremely calm, as the officer made a point of mentioning how calm he was and how out of control BM was. She was ranting about Perpetual Fiance flushing her prescription meds down the toilet.

The other call was BM reporting that Perpetual Fiance had stolen her medicine a few months apart from the other incident. This officer actually called her Dr. about it. Guess what the Dr. said. He's not surprised, that this is not the first time BM has told him stories about things happening to her prescriptions.

Guess what the police did? Nada.

Now we know that BM's parents have already tried to detox her a couple times because they told us. We suspect she has multiple doctors with multiple prescriptions, and they don't know about each other. Pain killers are her passion. When the boys were younger, they would comment about how one whole cabinet in the kitchen was filled with orange bottles. BM conveniently made a point of telling DH before Christmas that Perpetual Fiance would not be around during the boys' time out there, as he was trying to get off prescription drugs and she couldn't handle having him around (she told the boys he was looking for a job in another state). Now that is calling the kettle black. Frankly, I wouldn't be surprised if Perpetual Fiance HAD to drug himself to get through a day with her. But make no mistake about it, BM is the addict. Can you say projection? DH and I think things were not going well between BM and Perpetual Fiance, and she made some kind of deal with him that if he would get lost for a week or so, she'd (fill in the blank with any unkept promise). She could not afford to have an incident while the boys were there as we were mid-case in court. She could sleep the days away and no one would be on her case. SS1 and SS2 spent a lot of time playing with their sister outside when BM wasn't "feeling" good. You get the picture.

And what do you know - a couple days after the boys left, Perpetual Fiance was back. Surprise, Surprise.

Disorderly Conduct

2009-09-30T20:47:00.004-04:00

After pre-trial, some information came light that we needed to investigate. Apparently Perpetual Fiance had been arrested and charged with Disorderly Conduct. We frequently check the state's online court records databases for whichever state BM happens to be living in at the moment. Only found things a few times, but lo and behold, we had a hit again this spring. We called the local police dept to get the police report from the incident, and come to find out, there have been several calls to BM's address since she has been in this state. So we requested copies of all of them. The only one we could not get was the one regarding the disorderly conduct, as it was still an open case. So we fired off a letter to the judge in the case, letting him know that there were minor children that visited the home and that DH had concerns about their safety, that we were unable to get a report from the police, and would his Honor be willing to release the info to DH. A couple weeks later, we get a letter from the judge, along with copies of the charges and description about what happened. The funny part was, the judge cc'd Perpetual Fiance and the DA, which of course is only proper. Not surprisingly, once BM found out we found out about what was going on in the house, settlement came very quickly!

According to the report, Perpetual Fiance had gone out to have some drinks, apparently stayed out past his "curfew", BM starts arguing with him when he gets home and threatens to call the police (which is her first line of attack when she doesn't get what she wants). Perpetual Fiance grabbed the phone from her, BM claims he hit her in the face, and then she proceeds to actually call the cops on him. The officer was very explicit about the fact that SS1 and SS2's 8 year old sister was hysterical when the officer arrived and had heard the whole argument. Perpetual Fiance arrested (in the state they live in, if the police come out to your house for a disturbance, someone MUST go to jail). The report was taken in the wee hours of the morning, I wouldn't doubt on a school night. I'm sure SS1 and SS2's sister had a great day at school the next day. Not surprisingly, once BM made her point (don't you dare do anything I disapprove of or I will make you pay), she tried to have the charges dropped, but, alas, that just wasn't in the cards. Perpetual Fiance had to go to court, they put the case on file, which means as long as he does his "Anger Management" and stays out of trouble for a year, the charges go away.

Of course, we have no idea what really happened that night, but from our experiences and more specifically DH's experiences with her, we have a pretty good guess. Perpetual Fiance had had enough of her shit, went out with some friends, came home too late for her liking, she laid in on him and threatened this and that, and then when he DARED to pull the phone away from her because she was over-reacting, her lesson teaching instincts went into overdrive. What is stupid about the whole situation is that 1) she should have been the one spending the night in jail, 2) Perpetual Fiance is an adult and can go out and have a few drinks whenever he wants to, 3) and Mommy of the Year awards typically do not go out to mothers of 8 year olds up in the wee hours of the morning being subjected to their mother's tirades.

Regardless...it was clear that nothing bad enough happened to make any difference with the boys' trips out there.

Catching up...

2009-09-30T20:29:00.004-04:00

Well, time has just flown by - unfortunately, life has gotten into the way of blogging about life, things have settled a bit, so I'm going to attempt to reconstruct the last 6 months or so.

Shortly after my last blog post in March, a close friend of SS1 committed suicide. SS1 had just been sitting with her on the bus ride home that day, and about 10 pm that evening, some of his friends drove over to tell him the news. We didn't see SS1 for about a week straight - all the kids took the week off of school until the memorial service and spent time together at the family's house. We live in a small town, and everything basically stopped for the close circle of friends. The next week after the memorial, when SS1 began to try to get into his routine, it became quite obvious that he was having a very difficult time. He ranted, he exploded, he went on and on about BM and the crappy things she has done, he pushed and pushed at DH and I, he wanted nothing to do with his brother, school, or hobbies he had previously enjoyed. He had counseling at school, we took him to his regular counselor, and even a month later, he was still struggling. His grades took a nose dive (he ended up failing one class that trimester), he sulked, answered questions in one word sentences, obsessed over pictures he had of his friend. Every time we would see the smallest glimmer of his old personality, it was gone. It was a long few months. Thankfully school let out in June, and summer was a welcome reprieve from trying to get SS1 to do ANYTHING. He worked a few odd jobs here and there, but other than that, he just hung out with his friends. Slowly, he seemed to be getting a grip, he would go for several days in a row without mentioning his friend, now he goes a couple weeks. He started going swimming, riding his 4 wheeler, joking with his brother. Things are much better now, he clearly still misses his friend, but he seems to have accepted that his life should go on, and that it is not disrespecting her memory to go and have a good time. What a sad, sad spring we had.

Heh...my Perpetual Fiance wants to talk to you...

2009-03-30T17:38:00.004-04:00

After a few minutes of talking about it, DH and I think that it wasn't BM's father that ranted to our attorney today. We think it was BM's boyfriend, otherwise known as Perpetual Fiance.

1. Yelling on the phone is very OUT OF character for BM's father.

2. Yelling on the phone is very IN character for Perpetual Fiance.

What we are still pondering is if our attorney misheard and the caller said he was SS1 and SS2's SISTER's father, or if he just flat out claimed to be BM's father.

Isn't it amazing how a simple act of attending a hearing can be filled with so much drama, mystery and chaos????? How do we all get through our days living so normally?

My daddy needs to talk to you...

2009-03-30T11:56:00.004-04:00

Alrighty then, today we had our pretrial hearing. Before I go into the comical events of the day, I'll update you on the GAL's report.

GAL Report:

The GAL's report was short and sweet, as he mostly addressed only the visitation issues. SS1 wants Christmas and only two weeks in the summer at BM's. SS2 wants Christmas, April vacation and all of summer. Ironically, about 1 1/2 weeks before we get the GAL report, SS2 informs us that he wants to play golf next year (his freshman year in high school). Guess what? Practice starts two weeks before school starts. When we got the GAL report we explained to him that he already had his opportunity to let the GAL know what he wanted and he apparently did not make it clear enough, so it was up to him to get his mother to agree, and that we would not be making any efforts with BM to make that happen for him.

Regarding our petition for sole decision-making based on the medical issues of last summer, the GAL merely recommended that any medical issues be addressed with the boys' primary care physician. This is a step in the right direction, but we are going to ask that the order specifically states that BM needs to notify DH in advance, as it should not be up to the physician to do BM's parenting for her.

Pre-Trial hearing:

So we get to the courthouse and are in the waiting room with the GAL and our attorney. The family court is in the process of moving, so we were kind of curious how this was all going to pan out since they had already removed the phones to the new building (BM always appears via telephone because of her "illnesses". The lucky body part of the day today was her pancreas - new one, she hadn't gone there yet!) Lo and behold, someone from the Superior Court stopped by our table and let our attorney know she was on the phone. But when our attorney got there, it was actually her FATHER! He went on this tirade about how messed up the family court was. Our attorney came back chuckling and told us what happened. About 10 minutes later, another woman from the Superior Court office came over and said BM was now on the phone. Attorney goes to talk to her and record her pretrial statement. No official hearing - never even saw the marital master.

What happens now, you ask?

BM told attorney that she was done, ready to settle. She stated that SS2 will be coming to see her in April. What she doesn't realize is that the April vacation was only recommended by the GAL - it is not officially ordered. So if she doesn't settle by the end of this week, it is highly unlikely that SS2 will be coming out for April.

While we were sitting with the GAL and our attorney, the GAL suggested the same thing we suggested to BM back in January, which was that each of the boys meet with a third party (we had suggested their counselor, but our GAL volunteered to be the third party today) to express their wishes for each vacation time, the GAL would determine the dates, ask BM if she wanted the kids on those dates - yes or no, the flights would be made, and there would be no changes. DH and I are all on board with that! We have no problem with the GAL getting a first hand experience trying to make arrangements with BM.

So, she either agrees with this new old plan ASAP, or we go to final hearing, which would be set for about 30 days from now, well after April vacation.

I can't believe she had her father call the courthouse! Makes us think she may be back living with her parents in FormerHomeState, though. It seems unusual that he would call unless she was right in front of him pitching a fit. We'll find out if she doesn't pick up the paperwork at the current address she has on file with the court! When we were leaving, we apologized to our attorney for having to listen to the BS from BM's father, and let him know, unfortunately, BM's dad is the mellow one! Attorney shook his head, rolled his eyes and laughed.

He really has no idea!

Sorry it has been so long...

2009-03-01T14:04:00.006-05:00

Jeez, time flies! I have been thoroughly enamored with Mister M's new forum, www.thepsychoexwife.com/forums/, plus I haven't been wanting to post any info that is still in the works, just in case.

Here's what I can update so far (more to come at the beginning of April)...

Winter Break - BM finally emailed us the info needed for the airline - big surprise, she hasn't even changed her Driver's License yet (it is still from FormerHomeState, even though she has been living in her new state for almost a year). The engine for our car died when we were en route to the airport, so we had 5 of us crammed into a friends Jeep Wrangler to get to the rental place where we rented a car to get them the rest of the way to the airport. The boys took off as scheduled - whew! The flight back had to be changed because BM refused to drive in a couple inches of snow, but it worked out well in the end since the boys were supposed to come back on different days, so with the rescheduling we got them both back on the same day. There was some concern about whether their flight would be canceled, not because of weather at BM's location, but because of weather at ours. But thankfully the flight took off, slightly delayed. Of course we had to drive in a snowstorm that dropped 9 inches in order to get them at the airport, but whatever! At least they were home. The first thing both of them said when they got off the plane was how BM had taken their Christmas money which her parents had sent them and used it to pay her rent. Lovely!

Court Proceedings - right before the boys were to leave, BM contacted DH saying she wanted to see if they could come to some sort of agreement. She stated that she was fine with DH having sole decision-making, but that she wanted the boys to be able to decide when to come see her on their vacations (she has it in her head that the boys should be with her for EVERY vacation period, for the whole time, essentially giving them zero time to vacation with us or spend non-school time with their friends). DH responded that he would prefer to wait to see how the winter break vacation went first before discussing it with her. After the boys got back, DH proposed that the boys would meet with him, her and their counselor before each break and a decision would be made between them as to where the boys would be for that break. She would get what she wanted, which was the potential for the boys to spend every vacation with her if they wanted, and we would know the boys would be accountable for what they were telling each of us about where they want to spend their time. Win, win - you'd think? Well, she got completely paranoid, and said she wanted a comment put in the order that DH would not pay the boys their airfare money to not see her. WTF? We realized at that point that there would never be any agreement good enough for her, and we certainly weren't going to encourage her paranoia, so DH responded back and simply told her that he was concerned with her paranoia and that he felt it would be better to have a third party involved (the GAL). So we have continued on with the GAL.

GAL - Our request for a new GAL was awarded, and the pretrial hearing was moved to the end of March to allow the new GAL time to get everything done. It took us over a month to get our $500 back from the uncertified GAL! So thankful the futures of our children are no longer in that woman's hands! We didn't tell the boys about the GAL until the day he came, SS1 was surprised, but SS2 didn't bat an eye, because BM had already been "working" him about it. Big surprise. The GAL had already spent a couple hours with us, and spent about an hour with each of the boys. After the March hearing, I'll be able to update you on the complete irony about the GAL and what his report will include - I can't wait!

Money - Since SS1's birthday in October, BM has been promising to send the boys money. In fact, she promised SS1 $500.00. Yeah, whatever! So ever since October we have had to listed to SS1's dreams of how he is spending the money. Ugghhh! So after Winter Break, and the boys realizing she needed their Christmas money to pay her rent, it seemed they had gotten over the illusion that she was sending any money. So about mid-January, BM started in on the sending money again. She told each of the boys she was sending them $200. So everyday they would ask, "Did the box come yet? Did the box come yet?" Week after week went by and no box. Again, big surprise. Excuse after excuse, and finally SS1 got fed up. He told her he was planning a snowmobile trip with some friends and that he needed the money by Monday (it was Friday night when he told her this). So she finally sends the money Western Union. The hysterical part is that there was no snowmobile trip! It was SS1's way to finally call her bluff and force her to follow through : ) Not that I'm proud of him for lying to her, but I'm glad all the years that they have learned manipulation from her, they are finally using it on her! Even funnier is the fact that they were calling BM about twice a week to find out the status of their "money box", but now that she has sent the money, they are totally blowing her off. She really only has the most superficial relationship with her kids.

So that is about all I can update on right now, but I'll post more early April to let you know what happened at the pretrial hearing.

Winter Break Update 2

2008-12-13T21:21:00.004-05:00

On the 10th, BM leaves a message for DH saying that she has a solution for what is going on. We're not sure if she is talking about the copy of the ID we need or the whole court thing because she of course made the message as vague as possible to force us to feign interest by contacting her. So DH emailed her back a few hours later asking what was on her mind. NO RESPONSE. He even tried to Skype Chat her, but nothing. WTF? Why would you go to the trouble of making a call that you have no intention of following through on? She did have time to leave a message for the boys, though. Go figure. Sooo, 7 days left for her to get the info to us or SS2 doesn't go. I can't believe she is going to make this drama right before the holiday! After this visit, only 8 more visits to arrange and we are DONE!

DH and I had a good laugh last night. We were commenting about how she hasn't responded. We thought, 'She must have realized she was acting rational and called for psychiatric help!' Wouldn't that be ironic? She acts off the wall all the time, and a moment of some clarity scares the crap out of her and she commits herself because something is not quite right. We were rolling on the floor! Not that we in any way think mental illness is funny, just the irony of how some Borderline/Narcissistic types think there is nothing wrong with them and they don't get help, and that thinking clearly would be as strange for them as a psychotic episode would be for us.

Winter Break Update 1

2008-12-08T15:26:00.004-05:00

Still no copy of her ID (to let Midwest know since SS2 is flying as an unaccompanied minor). She has until the 20th, but since it has been almost a month since we told her about it, we figured we'd send a reminder today.

Prediction of how this is going to play out:

We hear nothing from her until SS2's flight is canceled, then she will say she sent it/faxed it, but of course will have no proof of such.

Thinking we will probably have our lawyer call her around the 16th or so, to see if he can get anywhere with it.

If you only got to see your kids 2 times a year, would you not make a huge effort to make sure things go smoothly? I just don't get it!

GAL Update 3

2008-12-05T16:18:00.003-05:00

Yesterday the GAL Board faxed a letter to our lawyer stating the the GAL assigned to us is NOT certified.

Today in the mail we got the Motion to Dismiss the GAL (included was the letter from the GAL Board). So now we wait to see what the judge orders.

Interestingly, our lawyer spoke to our GAL 11/24 regarding our concerns. Then on 11/25 she proceeds to send us the questionnaire. I'm sure she will try to deduct some money from what she has to refund us for all that "work" she did already. I also find it strange that her letter accompanying the questionnaire is addressed 11/25, yet the postmark is 12/3 and we just got it today.

GAL Update 2 - WTF????

2008-11-24T16:04:00.003-05:00

Unbelievable!

Before DH's case was assigned a GAL, I downloaded the list of state certified GAL's. Our GAL was not on the list. So, I figured she was just a new GAL and the state had not updated it's PDF file in a while. Called the GAL board of the state, and what do you know, not only is our GAL NOT certified, she has also had a complaint filed against her from another county. Of course the board cannot do anything about the complaint, because she is not certified and not under their jurisdiction.

My first thought is to the $500 we just sent this woman. Called bank, check had not cleared yet, but did not stop payment, because I wanted to get my facts straight first and not piss off our potential GAL.

So, I call the county that filed the complaint and talked to the clerk. She confirmed that a complaint was filed, but could not discuss because the case was confidential.

So, I call our clerk to find out if the county was in fact required to use certified only GAL's and if there was some type of "grandfathering" rule that had been applied to her. Of course our clerk was in court. By the time I got a hold of her around 3, the check had been cashed : ( The clerk stated that this GAL, as well as several others, are under review, to be held on Dec 15th, as the clerks office had as well become aware that there were certification issues, however the Marital Master had said to go ahead and use her anyway. I gave her the info for the other county clerk for her to call and see if she could get more info than I could. She suggested that since we knew all this information, we should go ahead and file a motion for a new GAL.

So, on the phone with our attorney. He is going to confirm all these facts on Wednesday, when the GAL board opens back up, and then file a motion to assign a new GAL. He is also going to ask that our current GAL be responsible for forwarding the funds to the new GAL. He called the GAL to discuss this with her and she just left us a phone message stating that there must be some confusion because of using her former married name, that she has been certified since 1995, and that she is unaware of any complaints.

She is another BM! Take any shred of factual information and twist it until you can no longer recognize it. First of all, the board has only been around since 2007, so how she could be certified with the board since 1995 is beyond me. Neither of her "names", married or otherwise, are on the list. And she is totally denying the complaint exists.

We are not calling her back until we hear from our attorney on Wednesday to see what he makes of the whole situation.

Of course, we have put ourselves in a precarious position, GOD forbid, the MM says we have to use her and we've started off on a very bad foot. But, I can't imagine with everything we know about her the MM is going to keep her on our case and risk us pursuing this further. This woman needs to be off our case - and I can't believe that we are the ones putting two and two together for everyone. Ughhhhhhh!

GAL Update 1

2008-11-20T14:16:00.003-05:00

We made contact with the GAL. After she receives our check, she is sending us the paperwork we need to fill out for her to begin the investigation. I'll let you know what that's like...

Hell has frozen over...

2008-11-20T02:50:00.008-05:00

...which is to be expected since it is 14 degrees outside right now!

We have not heard a peep from BM. I'm thinking it is because of the GAL. She's got to be on her best behavior to show that all the documentation we have could not possibly be about her. BM has never been able to not respond negatively to one of our letters. Do you think the judge would allow us to have a GAL assigned to us for the next 4 years? The GAL wouldn't even have to do anything, just be assigned to us, like a watch dog. Just close enough for BM to know she's watching! I would pay $500 a year for that service!

What do you know, still haven't received that letter she said she was sending agreeing to the boys flights! Thank goodness we got that temporary order - Saturday it will be 30 days before their flight. Who the heck makes holiday airline reservations that close?

Part of me is thinking that she is going to back out at the last minute, her "health" will be so bad she can't have the boys come out for Christmas. She'll get to run the boys through the "poor me" ringer, won't have to worry about anything bad happening during her visit that the GAL might hear about before the hearing, and she'll get to screw with us with the airline tickets (although I tell you what, if she does cancel, new reservations will NOT be made until she pays us the fees!).

Below are the last two letters we sent, which BM received this week:

Health Letter:

I received your phone message of November 3, 2008.

I understand your health issues are of great concern to you at this time. I am willing to help ease any stressful situations you may have to deal with in regards to the boys. Your need to manage stress due to your illness will no doubt make communicating regarding the boys’ welfare difficult for you. Any issues regarding the boys’ still need to be addressed, however. My proposed parenting plan speaks to this issue, by granting me sole-decision making responsibility. This will allow you to focus on your health and enjoy the boys’ time with you, without the additional stress of taking part in making major decisions regarding their care. If we are in agreement that this would be the best option due to your ongoing health concerns, we can both sign an agreement and I can file the agreement with the court, leaving the rest of the issues in the proposed parenting plan to be discussed at the next hearing. Please let me know if you would be agreeable to reducing your stress and managing your health this way.

SS1’s eye exam revealed that he has astigmatism, and needs a very mild prescription for reading and driving.

SS2’s consult with the orthodontist resulted in a discussion of 3 options. The first option is to do nothing regarding his overbite, as it does not affect his eating, nor does it cause him any discomfort, except for where his lower teeth touch his palate, for which he could get a retainer to prevent contact. The second option is the corrective jaw surgery. The third option is to use only orthodontics to correct the problem. Regardless, the second and third options would not be something that would happen until his jaw is close to reaching maturity and the orthodontist has a better idea of what will be happening with his front teeth, which would be in his very late teens, early adulthood. No decision will need to be made until he is around 17 years of age. SS2 will be receiving a referral to the surgeon so that the surgeon can evaluate his case and see if he is even a good candidate for the procedure.

In regards to the temporary order regarding transportation, the proposal was read to you in court, you agreed and the judge ordered it. While he may not have filed it yet, the order stands as of the date of the hearing. You are not required to respond in any way to my notification, however your lack of response in 5 days gives me the responsibility to select dates of travel. If you are now represented by legal counsel, please forward to me the contact information so my attorney can make contact.

Flight Letter:

As I have not received a written confirmation from you regarding the boys’ winter vacation flight within 5 days of your notification (November 3, 2008), per the court order of October 29, 2008, I have made the boys’ reservations.

SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor (required by Midwest for children under 15 years of age). Only the person purchasing the flight can add pick-up/drop-off parent information to the reservation, so I will need you to send/fax me a copy of your current photo id that you will be using to drop SS2 off at the airport before December 20, 2008. SS2 will not be able to fly without this information included with his reservation. SS2 will have with him upon his arrival a money order/check written out to Midwest Airlines, which you will need to pay the $50 fee for SS2’s unaccompanied minor service (Midwest policy does not allow me to purchase this ahead of time).

The flight may also only be changed by the person purchasing the tickets, so if you do need me to change the flights for you for any reason, you will need to make sure that I have receipt of the funds required for the change at least 7 business days in advance of the new flight to allow the funds to clear my bank account. Another option would be for you to purchase a new ticket directly from Midwest yourself.

Please contact Midwest (414-570-7000) for information regarding security procedures, check-in/boarding passes, baggage requirements and fees for changing tickets.

The first paragraph of the health letter is designed based on a strategy in the book, "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality" by Kreisman & Straus. The strategy is called SET and is discussed in Chapter 6 on Communicating with the Borderline. SET stands for Support, Empathy and Truth. Basically you try to smooth their feathers before you whack 'em with reality. At this point, we're willing to try anything!

I still can't believe she hasn't left a nasty message - I love the sound of silence : ) If it weren't winter, I could hear the crickets chirping!

Like talking to a brick wall...

2008-11-13T16:54:00.005-05:00

So we sent the proposed flight schedule for BM to agree to. She received it on 11/3. She leaves DH a voicemail message about how she is tired of getting harassed by him, that she called the clerk and there is nothing filed from the hearing and he needs to stop sending her things, that she got "legal advice" and she doesn't have to put up with it, and that she is sending the confirmation back because she did agree to it (even though she doesn't think she has to since the paperwork is not yet "in the file").

11/7 - another voice mail stating that she is sending back the confirmation.

11/8 - her 5 days are up, no confirmation!

11/12 - still no confirmation, we book the flight. Since she has dragged this whole thing on for so long, the original flight on the 23rd is no longer available. So we can either have the boys fly at 6 am or the night before, either way they will miss school on the 23rd. So we opt for the evening of the 22nd. The return flight for SS2 was cheaper on 1/2 than it was for the original date of 1/4, and since she is getting an extra day on the 22nd, we opted for SS2 coming back 1/2. She's gonna bitch, but she had her opportunity to respond and she chose not to. So, in less than 15 days from the hearing, we already get to test out our order ; )

We'll be sending her the flight info tomorrow, I can just imagine the voice mails we'll get. The beauty of Midwest Airlines, though, is only the person purchasing the ticket can make changes. So she'll either have to send us the $ upfront, or purchase her own ticket if she wants to mess around with any dates. Thankfully, Midwest does not just automatically charge the purchasing credit card when changes are made, which was my fear. They do, however, have a stupid policy about not being able to pay the unaccompanied minor fee at the time of purchase. So, since SS2 will be flying as an unaccompanied minor on the way home, we have to send a check/money order written out to Midwest for BM to give to them before he boards.

Another interesting point about the unaccompanied minor issue is that only the purchaser can update the airline with the info for who is picking up/dropping off the child. The info must match the photo id of the person picking up/dropping off. Soooo, we have to get a copy of her DL to see what address she has listed. What do you want to bet it is still FormerHomeState? What do you bet she doesn't send us the info? SS2 will not be able to fly if she doesn't, so if we don't get it by the 22nd, he'll have to stay home. Do you think she'll push this envelope? - yup!

PS - the judge filed the order on 11/4, so even if we go by that date, she still did not make her 5 day deadline.

In his order, the MM states: The court assumes her objection to the Petition of Modification, but she will be required to file a written Answer to the allegations in that Petition.

Do you think she will file it? Nope.

MM also states: She is requested to file her updated Financial Affidavit, Proposed Parenting Plan, and Pretrial Statement in advance of the pretrial conference. She is reminded that when she files something with the court she is required by Rule to mail a copy to counsel for Mr. DH, and required to certify on the filing that she has done so.

Do you think she will do any of this? Nope.

And I hope it royally pisses the MM off.

Pretrial is set for 1/22, by which the GAL needs to have a preliminary report.

We also got the name of the GAL assigned to our case. I'll keep you posted on how that goes.

Oh, what a happy day!

2008-10-29T17:48:00.004-04:00

TA DAH!

I'm back. We had a hearing today, hence the lack of blogging for about a month. Didn't want anything out there in the internet world, just in case.

The initial petition was filed to Register a Foreign Order. DH filed back in August, when we had concerns because she was threatening not to return SS2 from his summer visit. BM played the "the certified letter notices fell under my stairs" routine, so he had to have her personally served. Hearing was set for today. After SS2 came back, and we had to go through the drama regarding his medical care, DH decided enough was enough, and he filed a Petition to Determine Jurisdiction and Motion to Modify Court Order, along with a revised proposal for a parenting plan. He may not get everything he asked for, but he figured if he is going back to court, he might as well try.

So today we had no idea what the marital master (MM) was going to address. The clerk had told us that he would only hear issues regarding registering the order. We also did not know if BM would be appearing as she never returned the Notice of Appearance that she was served.

We show up to court today, and sure enough, she is appearing on the phone. The MM enters, swears everyone in, and off we go.

1) The first thing he addressed was jurisdiction (so glad DH filed that : ).

MM asks BM if she was in agreement that the boys had lived in OurNewState since May of 2007. She started venting about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction, and that she was in the process of trying to get that. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree... Finally she said yes. He asked her if there were any pending hearings in any state. She goes on again about how she was planning to get HerNewState to take jurisdiction. Again, he asks her if anything is pending, she says no.

MM asks her if she in fact moved to HerNewState at the beginning of 2008. Again she vents about how HerNewState should have jurisdiction. So the MM asked her again, Ms. BM, do you agree that you moved at the beginning of 2008... Finally she said yes...and then vents some more. MM explained to her that only OurNewState or FormerHomeState could possibly have jurisdiction. There are no circumstances where her state could claim jurisdiction. MM determines that OurNewState has jurisdiction. STRIKE ONE!

2) MM registered the order.

3) MM assigned a GAL. Total surprise at first, since we did not request it, but thinking about what we had asked for in the Motion to Modify Court Order (including her not slapping SS1 in the face as discipline and calling the police before giving DH a chance to get him home), it appears that MM read between the lines and understands how involved this situation is. Then BM acts all happy, and states that "all I wanted was a GAL", as if it was her idea. STRIKE TWO!

(She has no idea how horrendous this will be for her. Not only are we looking forward to her rambling on with accusations that don't make any sense to any rational person, we are so looking forward to speaking to the GAL ourselves and showing our documentation, as well as having the GAL speak to the boys. While we are aware that some GAL's just don't get it in custody cases where primary custody is being determined, chances are very slim that the GAL is not going to be able to see what is going on, since DH has had custody for over 8 years now and she is still acting the same way she always has, and we are sure that just as the MM has concerns about the case, the GAL will as well. Of course we will be stuck with the bill, since she is never responsible for anything, but the joy of us reading the report will be worth every penny.)

3) After ordering the GAL, MM asked if there were any other motions he should be addressing. We had a feeling that MM would not be addressing our Motion to Modify a Court order at this hearing, so our attorney presented a Temporary Order as follows:

Transportation arrangements for the children between the parents shall be as follows: DH will notify BM in writing the dates of the children's winter and summer vacations at least 45 days prior to the first day of each vacation. BM shall respond in writing within five days indicating the days she would like the children to travel to and from her residence, and DH shall make airline reservations for the children which conform to BM's request as nearly as possible. If no response is received within five days, DH shall select the dates the children will travel and purchase appropriate airplane tickets. If BM seeks to change travel times/dates selected through either method, she shall be responsible for all costs associated with said changes. If changes to the travel schedule are required due to inclement weather, both parties shall seek to cause the children to travel earlier than later, in order to reduce the chance of the children being required to wait at an airport for extended periods of time.

In order for SS1 to be able to drive while visiting BM, BM must insure SS2 on her own policy.

MM asks BM if she has any objections to the order and she says no! STRIKE THREE! What the heck??? That is all we asked for this summer, but it was too much for her to agree to. Are you kidding me? She's trying to look like the "cooperative" one, but voicemails don't lie! The driving thing we threw in because there is no way we are paying to have her car fixed with her lack of supervision. Plus our concern is that she could get in a wreck while SS1 was there and say he was driving. Who would the insurance company believe? Her or a 16 year old new driver?

4) MM asks if there are any other motions to be considered. BM pipes up and goes on a 6-7 minute tirade about me!!! How I send her harassing letters, how DH has to ask me if any changes are made, rattles off several of her medical issues, how she offered to pay to change the flight and how his petition makes her look like she was not financially able to return the boys, how she hasn't wanted to, but she has had to show the kids court documentation to "defend herself", brings up the issue about HerNewState should be able to have jurisdiction because of her health issues, blah, blah, blah. Even though he didn't physically do it, I could see the MM mentally rolling his eyes. As she never took a breath during the whole 6-7 minute rant, he was unable to get a word in, even after several attempts. He finally flat out interrupted her and said, "These are all things you can discuss with the GAL." He was probably thanking his lucky stars he had just assigned a GAL. Our attorney stated to the MM that of course we had rebuttal statements for the allegations she was making, but that this was obviously not the time to bring them before the MM. I swear the MM smirked the smallest of smirks and stated that DH's right to rebuttal would be ensured. MM then closed the hearing and walked out. Oh, happy day!

What makes us overjoyed is that we are sure BM is sitting there already thining of all the things she is going to tell the GAL. She is going to be so worked up by the time she talks to the GAL she is going to come off as completely off her rocker. She can't help herself.

She is going to drag up things from 10 years ago, from even before their separation, that has nothing to do with the boys' welfare now. She can't help herself.

Just as she leaves messages contradicting herself all the time, she will be unable to have a conversation with the GAL without doing that. She can't help herself.

Just as she (usually) starts off a conversation calm, she works herself up to the point that she is screaming/crying/cursing by the end. She can't help herself.

Hope this GAL is ready - it is going to be quite a ride. Finally, someone to share the chaos with ; )

Pretrial Conference will be scheduled within 90 days, so shortly after Winter Break. Do you think she can be on her best behavior for the whole 12 days of their visit (I bet not!). By the conference the GAL's report should be done, and we'll see where we stand. It should all be sorted out by summer, and DH is seriously considering asking for the boys to only go out there for half of the summer, since both of them have complained about the whole summer thing in counseling. We'll see.

We're hoping things will continue to be quiet, as we haven't heard a peep from her since she was served, but old habits die hard, and I'm sure she'll have to vent to DH about something!

It will also be interesting to see how she handles this with the boys. We didn't say anything to them about going back to court, but after she was served, she felt the need to call the boys and tell them that DH was trying to kill her (you know, stress and all those medical conditions). The boys came out of their room pissed and let us know what she said. SS1 also said she wouldn't be able to send him the birthday money she promised him because she needed to get a lawyer (funny, she appeared pro se today), and didn't even send him a birthday card. SS2 told us that BM had interrogated him almost daily for the rest of the summer about whether he had told DH about the emergency room visit, and he was getting tired of having to lie and tell her no, because he just wanted the rest of the visit to go smooth. I am sure that she will not be able to go for any length of time without telling the boys about the GAL, and what things they should "remember" to tell the GAL. I'm sure that won't make the GAL happy and I know it won't make the boys happy to have to listen to her regurgitate every hateful thing she has ever said to them about DH.

Whew - that was a lot. I'll keep you posted on any new developments : )

The test of her newfound "rational thinking"...

2008-09-18T03:23:00.007-04:00

Letter being sent tomorrow:

I received your numerous and lengthy voice mails from September 9, 2008, however, none of them offered any solutions to the issues I asked you to respond to in my letter of August 22, 2008:

Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in BMHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

This leads me to believe that you are unwilling to offer any solutions to the problems experienced this summer with your parenting time with SS2.

Enclosed you will find a letter which needs to be signed and returned to me by September 27th, confirming that you are in agreement with my proposed solutions to the problems. Upon receipt of your agreement, flight reservations will be made. Without your written agreement by the 27th, I will have to entertain other options to ensure the boys’ well-being during your parenting time.

Winter 2008 Flight Arrangements:
The first day of Winter Vacation is December 24, 2008. The last day of Winter Vacation is January 4th.

I would like SS2 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).
I would like SS1 to arrive _______________________ (date) and depart _________________ (date).

All Future Parenting Time, starting with Winter 2008:
Travel Arrangements:
I, BM, am aware that once I have agreed to flight dates, no changes will be made to original flight reservations. Any changes in dates/times/locations must be agreed upon in writing, and I am responsible for providing my own flight reservations and purchasing tickets. The boys will not travel outside BMHomeState, unless I have the financial ability to purchase tickets, or secure some other form of transportation, to ensure their return to OurHomeState on the date scheduled.

It is my responsibility to monitor the weather and determine if circumstances require the boys to leave early to avoid any flight cancellations, as I did during my parenting time in the summer of 2008. Should I notify you of such an event, you will be responsible for changing any flights to arrange for the boys travel back to OurHomeState.

Medical Care:
It is my responsibility to notify you immediately of any visits the boys may have to the Emergency Room or any other health care provider. If the situation is not immediately LIFE THREATENING, I will consult with you before seeking medical care. If the situation is life threatening, I will notify you upon arrival at the hospital, with a description of the incident, hospital name and phone number, and confirmation that insurance information has been provided to the medical provider.

Discipline:
I will notify you if either of the boys need to return to OurHomeState early due to discipline issues instead of physically striking either of them or seeking police intervention. You will be responsible for any changes in flight arrangements should such an event occur.

___________________________________ _______________
Signature Date

Are you surprised?

2008-09-18T03:23:00.003-04:00

She missed the deadline to offer any solutions. She left 5 messages on the 9th, each message filling up the alloted voice mail space, so she kept getting cut off and had to call back. I'd give you a verbatim, but frankly, I don't have the time or energy to transcribe over 45 minutes of ramblings. I'll bullet the major points of interest.

Mssg 1 (sick voice which turns into crying voice)
*she misunderstood about his thyroid, and only came to this realization after her father explained it to her (so glad someone in her world is paying attention)

*she has had to go through so much with her health and SS2 takes after her, so he must have health problems, so he should be tested just to find out (what a sick way to try to find common ground with your child)

Mssg 2 (sick voice)
*claims ER Dr lied in his report (yeah, like he had nothing better to do)

*said it was SS2's CHOICE to go the emergency room (who's the adult?)

*said it was SS2 that asked her not to call DH about the ER visit (funny, 'cause SS2 was the one that called us and told us about it in the wee hours of the morning)

Mssg 3 (voice coming back to normal, slight twinge of haughtiness)

*still bringing up the Spring Break issue (see previous posts for that bundle of joy)

*she lists the medications she has been on (this I gotta quote) "Look at the side effects of the medication I'm on. It causes 'roid rage, it causes psychotic episodes." (yup, she actually admitted it)

*she is no longer taking the medications, because they are obviously "causing too many problems" (again, no responsibility for her actions)

Mssg 4 (sick voice coming back, going full throttle into "feel sorry for me" mode)

*all her health issues are what caused her to "snap at SS1", "there are things, and SS2 saw it for himself, that there was unnecessary disrespect" (hell has frozen over, you mean all the things she denied ever happening really did happen?)

(she almost had me here, and then she lost it)

*neither DH or I understand what it is like to have a child grow inside of us, and they are part of her body (strange how we can understand how to relate to them and parent them, though)

*we took them away and ripped her heart out (odd how she doesn't remember fleeing the FormerHomeState with the children, which is what allowed DH to get Temp Custody in the first place, she had no problem ripping his heart out when he didn't know where they were for months!)

*it's just not fair that she has to miss out on them growing up just because of her health (she really doesn't get why she doesn't have custody of them! she really doesn't understand how HER actions led to what happened)

*she admits that we have done a good job with the boys and they are doing very well (finally, the recognition we have been living for, NOT!)

*she wants DH to stop sending her the letters by FedEx because she is off her medicine right now and she can "rationalize everything" (can't tell from these messages)

*she says the boys are part of "both of us" (so you mean DH did have a hand in creating them, they didn't spring virginally from "her body")

*it is going to be a better situation, now that she is not on her meds anymore (that is wishful thinking! she had these issues long before she became disabled and started taking her shopping list of medications)

*she's made mistakes and said things she really didn't mean (hard to tell at this point what things she means and what she doesn't)

*now she wants SS1 to come at least for a week so she can see him (you mean use as an emotional punching bag?)

Mssg 5 (very snotty voice)

*she can't imagine me having the "luxury" to go see a therapist just to deal with everyday life, and that I should have her problems to see what real problems are (hello, your actions are the only problems I need to see a therapist for)

*she wants to have a normal relationship with them, her health has come in the way, it is not her fault (the story of her life)

She really expects a free pass, as if DH is going to call her and tell her that she can do whatever she wants and treat people however she wants and we'll all give her an "excuse" note. She really thinks these messages show how she has a complete understanding of why things are the way they are, yet in fact, her comments only highlight how disjointed her reasoning is. The erratic changes in her voice, the contradictions from one minute to another, the continued fantasy that she is not responsible for anything, and yet deserves having everyone bend to her illogical thinking because she is the "mother". I used to think she was a spiteful person that spent her time thinking of ways to mess with us, and that one day she may get over it and things could be better. These messages have just confirmed for me that she does live in an alternate reality and things are never going to change. No matter what she does or says to hurt people, she will always see herself as the victim.

Response to BM re: Summer Chaos

2008-08-28T20:32:00.004-04:00

SS2 has visited his primary care physician, whose information I supplied to you in a letter dated 8/6/2008. Below is a summary of your allegations and the actual facts.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 4:07 pm
...I had to take him in because it swelled up his airway...it doesn’t look like it went down to normal...when he was 10 he was supposed to have either a barium swallow or a bronchioscope, but they put a scope down and he couldn’t get down far enough with it, and said he needs to have it done...

SS2’s airway was wide open, all structures were of normal appearance, there was no difficulty during the exam with the scope. This information is from Dr. ER’s report.
Dr. ER did not say that SS2 needed to have any tests done. The following are direct quotes from an email Dr. ER sent to me, dated 8/7/2008, regarding the care he provided SS2. “I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter.” “If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit.”
There is no recommendation from any of the doctors that saw SS2 that there should be any testing done at age 10. In fact, when I spoke with Dr. LongTimeAgo on 8/12/2008, his attending physician at the time of the surgery, she stated she had never heard of such a recommendation.

...I paid for the emergency room visit...

When I contacted the emergency room billing department, you had not given them the insurance information I supplied to you before SS2’s visit, nor was any payment made.

Voicemail from BM, July 24, 2008 5:58 pm
...when he had his heart surgery, they nicked his thyroid...

SS2 did not have heart surgery, he had a vascular ring surgery. His post-operative report shows that his thyroid was not in fact “nicked”.

Voicemail from BM, July 27, 2008 8:00 pm
...you better get SS2 the right health attention that he needs, because you have not done it and that is your job. You took that responsibility on when you took me to court. So you better get him into that doctor and have those tests done because if you don’t, I will report you. So you better do it.

From your behavior this summer and in the past regarding SS2’s medical care, there is good reason why I am the primary custodial parent. Your scare tactics to make SS2 think there is something wrong with him and that I am not providing adequate medical care cause me great concern for SS2’s well being while in your care. Your unwillingness to notify me of his trip to the emergency room until 12 days after it happened, as well as your attempt to have SS2 seen for these supposedly “recommended” tests with Dr. H at Physicians Pediatrics on 8/17/2008 without any notification to me also causes me concern. In addition, your misrepresentation about what medical professionals have said regarding SS2’s medical care is irresponsible. Your continued threats are not in anyway helpful to the boys and hold no weight as far as what medical care the boys will receive. Dr. Primary Care is NOT recommending any further testing for SS2, and I have requested that he be referred to a nutritionist so that he can understand more fully how his eating choices are impacting his weight.

Finally, your attempts to use “reports” to try to show any negligence on my part only further document your unstable mental state. You stated to Dr. ER, as noted in his report, that SS2 was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10 and that it did not happen. You also stated that we are separated and there are custody issues. Please be aware, the reality is that no recommendations were made for any testing of SS2 at age 10 (and it seems strange to me that you would wait until he was 13 before you made any mention of it), we are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues, I am the primary custodial parent and you are the non-custodial parent. You are more than within your rights to file a petition to request any changes to this situation, but implying that there already are considerations being made by the court is inaccurate.

Your last minute attempt to further disparage me with Dr. ER, through your requested “Addendum” to the ER report regarding my telling SS2 he was not to go to the emergency room, and your attempt to imply that he was upset and tearful because of this, shows your willingness to cause the boys discomfort to achieve your own gains. SS2, his counselor and I did discuss what possible things he may have to deal with during his visit with you. One of SS2’s concerns was “emergency room visits”, due to your behavior in the past. We discussed some examples of things that would require emergency room attention, and what would not. SS2 clearly understood that your overreaction to his choking on the ice was not an emergency. Before you left your house, the ice had become dislodged and he was able to speak. Yes, he may have had some discomfort for a bit after, trying to catch his breath, as anyone does when liquid or food “goes down the wrong pipe”, but he was in no way at risk for permanent injury. Instead of blaming his anxiety on me, it may have been more appropriate to call me and let me know what was going on, so that I could reassure him. But it clearly was not your intent to have him reassured at all. In fact, you went to great lengths to use a common occurrence to somehow show there was something wrong with both SS2 and me. You have only showed again your poor judgement when the boys are in your care.

In regards to your taking SS2 out of YourNewHomeState to visit your parents, it also concerns me that you would remove SS2 from YourNewHomeState without the appropriate financial means to send him home. While our agreement states that I am responsible for travel expenses to your home, I am not responsible for changing flights to suit your travel plans, which were made after our agreed flight plans.

I am requesting you respond to this letter in writing or by leaving a voicemail message by September 15, 2008. Please explain your plans to communicate in a more timely manner regarding the boys medical care, as well as your plans to ensure that in the future neither of the boys are stranded away from your home in YourNewHomeState without any means to return at the scheduled time and place.

Will any of it make sense to her? Not a chance. Will she respond as DH requested? Not a chance. Although she did call incessantly for about 20 minutes when the FedEx was delivered. No message though.

I'm Back!!!!!

2008-08-28T19:43:00.003-04:00

Sorry about that...had to recharge the batteries! SS2 has been fine since he is back. He had some questions about the whole emergency room thing, so we talked about what we had found out from his records and the ER doctor, and he went the next day to the pediatrician's for his physical. Pediatrician had already had a chance to review the information we had dropped off, so was totally up to speed about what happened. She is not recommending any of the tests BM insists need to be done, as SS2 has NO SYMPTOMS. SS2 seemed relieved, and went on his merry way. She also was able to refer us to a nutritionist for SS2, because he just won't believe us when we tell him taking a sandwich and 3 packages of crackers is not an appropriate school lunch. Nor is buying himself energy drinks instead of water a good choice when he rides his bike into town to visit his friends. At 13, he spends more and more time away from our immediate supervision, and he needs to get a grasp on the choices he makes when we are not there. Sooo, that is headed in the right direction anyway. Pediatrician didn't say anything about being contacted by BM - big surprise.

Then we jumped right into school clothes and supply shopping. And the first day of school. So the last week has just been one thing after another. Oh, and then Friday, after being told specifically by us not to ride bikes at his friend's baseball practice (SS2 was spending the night at this friend's house), SS2 convinced the friend's mom to bring the friend's bike to the practice, he fell over the handlebars, and hurt his wrist. No sleepover that night! Then SS2 was, of course, crippled and consumed by his injury, and kept talking about what kind of cast he would have, so we knew he was already getting ready to tell BM that he broke his arm. So next am, back to the pediatrician we go, x-ray, and only a sprained wrist. He has had to wear a hand brace for the week, which really put a damper on his last days of summer vacation, and could quite possibly interfere with his participation in our canoe trip planned for this weekend. Lesson learned, hopefully.

DH left a message for BM regarding SS2's wrist and SS2 called BM when he got home from the pediatrician, but although BM has left messages every night on SS2's phone, he has yet to call her back. Not quite sure what he is avoiding.

Oh, and you're going to love this. Remember how BM was too poor to make the change in flight arrangement's for SS2 herself? Well, now she's told SS1 that she is sending him $500 for his truck. Hello????? Even SS1 isn't checking the mail everyday to see when it comes.

He's Back!

2008-08-19T01:05:00.001-04:00

You can never know...

2008-08-18T11:08:00.004-04:00

SS2 is coming home tonight!

This morning BM called, sick voice and all, wanting to make sure that we didn't "misunderstand" her message the other day, that they were trying to get a lawyer for her dad, not for her. Gee, wonder what would make us think that? Maybe the nasty message she left us? And her dad's lawyer was going to get her an "excuse" note from the courts to not send SS2 home on time? Reality just changed folks before your very eyes.

Then she says that because of the hurricane coming, and because SS2 wants to see his friends, she wants to get him out early. Apparently that is what it takes to get her to think about her child - a hurricane stronger than herself.

So we emailed her at her parents with the first non-stop flight information for tonight, and said we weren't booking it until she responded via email confirming that he would be on the flight. This is her response:

Yes! that is fine. I will have SS2 at the airport at that time. Thank you for understanding about my dad. You know I would do the same if you went through this with your parents.

It is as if none of the crap she has said the last few weeks even happened. I'm glad we make her leave messages, or DH and I would think we just had nightmares everyday and that none of it really happened. How she can get from demanding that SS2 stay longer, to sending him home early is beyond me.

I'll let you guys know tomorrow if SS2 is actually back tonight! Keep your fingers crossed!

We are so ready for this summer visit to be over!

Such is the way of the world...

2008-08-17T22:20:00.002-04:00

Thinking about smirking cat's comment on the "And the winner is..." post, I have felt that way a lot this weekend. DH and I are normally the most flexible, understanding people out there. Over the years, we have made many alterations in schedule to accommodate BM. And while more saintly people may say, "just pay for the flight change and be done with it", BM's behavior over this past year has finally caused us to reach a point where we can no longer find it in ourselves to extend that olive branch. There is only so much abuse one can take and still give. Or, more accurately, we feel there is only so much abuse one should have to take.

Ironically, we had several occasions this weekend to see this type of thing in play. We went to a local water park and during our trip we had some + ups and - downs...

+ DH and I helped someone jump start their car.

+ A stranger, obviously in dire need, since we were in a rural area and there wasn't a gas station for miles, bummed cigarettes off of us at the rest area.

+ We used our seasons pass coupons to feed the other 9 people in our group.

- We got 5 chairs around the wave pool for the 12 of us to share as we came and went. 4 of them had people in them and the 5th person had just gotten up to change into her suit in the bathroom right behind us. A stranger woman came over and picked up our 5th chair, and when I said to her someone is using that chair, she said in the snottiest voice ever, "There was nothing on it!" and walked away with our chair. Maybe my friend broke the first rule of water park chairs and forgot to throw a towel on her chair before she left, but if someone told me the chair was being used, I would have said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize" and I would have put the damn chair back down. Needless to say, I was waiting, oh so patiently, for her to get up out of that chair so a "mysterious" wind could have come by and knocked her towel off the chair so I could go reclaim it, but, alas, the water park closed before the nasty stranger woman ever got up (I had fallen asleep and may have missed my opportunity!)

- We purchased one of the souvenir cups that you can refill all day for free. SS1 went to the counter to have the girl refill it. She also had another stranger's cup in her hand, same color as ours. She turns back around from the soda machine, says "oops, I don't remember which was which" and then expects SS1 to take a cup which may or may not have been his. Then when we go over to request a new cup, she at first refuses! Needless to say, we got a new cup.

- We check into the hotel, which one of the members of our group had booked (she is a travel agent) and they wanted to charge us more than what it had been reserved for - like by $40 per room. When she went to speak with the manager in the am about it, he said he would not honor her reservation rate, because that is not what they regularly charge, even though she had the reservation paperwork with her. He said that he was going to charge her the more expensive rate, to which she replied, "that is fine, I will go home and dispute the charges and you won't ever get the money", needless to say we got the discounted rate.

- We stopped at a cheese store on the way home and I went into the store next door to purchase a really cute water-colored card of eggs in a basket to frame, since our chickens just started laying. The card was $3.00 and the "artist" who owned the store refused to sell it to me because I didn't have cash, even though there was a card machine right on the counter. As a business owner I understand having to incur expenses, and frankly, I would have been willing to pay a little more for the card to cover her charge card machine costs for my transaction, but she flat out refused! Needless to say, instead of digging through my car and purse for $3.00 of change or asking one of my friends for cash, I put the card down and walked out.

DH and I have no problem being generous and helping others out. However, there are some damn nasty people in the world, and the more others encourage and tolerate their nastiness, the more nasty people are going to get. There is a fine line between taking the high road and letting yourself get walked over. We have tried the high road with BM for so long and it has only bitten us in the butt. Were she a typically generous, flexible person herself, we would surely be willing to work with her, but our high road has come to a dead end, and we aren't going to tolerate her nastiness anymore.

Ramping Up

2008-08-16T00:07:00.005-04:00

So BM leaves another message after we talk to SS2 and says she's going to an attorney on Monday to get an "excuse" note from the courts so she doesn't have to send SS2 home on the 20th (now she has to help her dad fill out disability paperwork since he just got laid off and she's an expert on disability paperwork). I hope the free legal aid lawyer has a clue. FormerHomeState isn't the home state anymore and it is now her responsibility to get SS2 home, since she is choosing not to use the reservation already made for him. Her dad must be doing really bad because he took SS2 golfing yesterday and tomorrow they are going to a professional football pre-season game. Wonder what lies she is going to tell the lawyer?

SS2 is starting to panic...

2008-08-15T21:25:00.003-04:00

He just called DH and in a round-about way, tried to find out what was going on. He asked if we were still planning to do the 4-wheeler trip and stay at a cabin when he gets back. We said of course, and he said, "so nothing's been canceled or anything?" and we're like "no, everything is the same, see you on Wednesday". One way or another that child is coming home on Wednesday! I can't believe she is doing this to him, when he should be thinking about getting ready for school, school shopping, and hanging out with his friends the last week before school's out. Instead he is worried about if he's going to make it home.

And the winner is...

2008-08-15T12:09:00.003-04:00

Option 1!

Just got a message from BM stating that her father lost his job, and she has to stay to help him fill out paperwork, so she is staying and DH can have her arrested, but she would do this for DH if something happened to his parents.

Whatever! She isn't even having SS2 visit DH's family while they are down in Former Home State, in fact, she has never taken the kids to visit DH's family, even though we make sure they always see her parents when they are in Former Home State. Plus, it is very clear that it has been her intention for most of the summer to not send SS2 home on his flight.

Here's our reply, emailed and faxed today:

I received your message regarding your choice to not send SS2 home on his scheduled flight. SS2 is due home by 9:20 pm on August 20th. Please let me know what other arrangements you have made to have him home by this time. I am willing to pick him up either at the Blah, Blah or Blah, Blah airports. After you have made the arrangements, please let me know his reservation confirmation #, flight number and arrival time.

We are going to wind up in court over this - I can feel it!

Rise

2008-08-14T15:24:00.003-04:00

Such is the way of the world
You can never know

Just where to put all your faith
And How will it grow?

Gonna rise up
Burning black holes in dark memories

Gonna rise up
Turning mistakes into gold

Such is the passage of time
Too fast to fold

Suddenly swallowed by signs
Lo and behold

Gonna rise up
Find my direction magnetically

Gonna rise up
Throw down my Ace in the Hole

-Eddie Vedder, Into the Wild

Really needing this song today...not sure how I'm going to make it to the 20th. The anxiety of what could happen is overwhelming.

Predictions for the 20th:

2008-08-10T00:38:00.005-04:00

1) BM will try one last attempt to get DH to change the flight.

2) There will be some type of natural disaster preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight (my guess, flood).

3) There will be some type of construction delay, they will get lost, or there will be a vehicle break-down preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.

4) She gets "sick" while visiting her parents, hospitalized, of course, preventing her from getting SS2 back to her state in time for his flight.

5) She gets it in her head to file some ex parte motion in FormerHomeState while she is down there.

Which of these will play out? We'll have to wait and see...but it will be a miracle if all we have to do is go to our airport and pick him up!

I think she has finally left the planet...

2008-08-08T13:56:00.002-04:00

So last night, at midnight, the boys' phone starts ringing. It is BM and she says "Hi, SS2, it's mom. Give me a call back." HELLOOOOOO - SS2 is with her! So either she left a message for SS1 and couldn't even remember his name, or SS2 is out somewhere on his own at 11 pm their time and she's trying to get a hold of him on a cell and she dialed the wrong number. WTF?

She called 2 more times immediately after that, once leaving another message to call her back, but did not say a name, and she also called DH's phone, but did not leave a message. Does anything she does make any sense?

ER Dr.'s Response

2008-08-08T13:46:00.003-04:00

I have been out of town and have just returned and read your letter. I wanted to respond to your concerns in writing as per your request. As for your first concern, SS2's mother stated that when he was 5 months old he was seen and treated by a specialist who had recommended certain tests when he was older that she stated were never done. What I told her was that the testing I performed that evening would not replace any formal testing that he was suppose to have and that if these were in fact previously recommended that SS2 should be in contact with his specialist for this testing. I did not request any of the testing you mentioned in your letter. From my standpoint he had some very mild irritation with no long term issues from the incident on 7/12/08. In my opinion he will be perfectly fine to follow with his primary doctor when he returns from his summer visit. If I would have wanted any further testing it would have been arranged at the time of visit. I hope that this clarifies the situation and if you need to contact me please use the reply email.

What a great guy! This is exactly what we needed to give to the pediatrician. From past experience dealing with anyone who has had contact with BM, we really expected him to blow us off. Apparently there are a few people left in the world who actually care about the children and aren't scared off by the drama! I also thought it was very generous of him to give us his email, as it is impossible to contact him by phone. BM is so full of shit, and it actually sickens me that she would want SS2 to have to go through invasive procedures just to try to show she is a "good mommy." Don't parents want to avoid having their child go through unnecessary testing and anxiety? Ugghh!

His shorts may still be blue!

2008-08-03T21:34:00.002-04:00

Before SS2 left his counselor gave him an example of how he may have to deal with BM. He pointed to SS2's blue shorts and said that BM might try to make him believe that they are red. And he may have to agree with her that the shorts are red to appease her, but that we all wanted him to come home and know his shorts are still blue.

DH left SS2 his usual Sunday message, and SS2 called back. Since BM has been raging for about 2 weeks now, we are sure he has had an earful and have had no idea where his head is at. Well, when DH talked to him, he was very talkative at first, since BM didn't know he was on the phone with DH. Apparently she came looking for him, because he called "I'm in here." After that, DH said he was more subdued, but until then, he had been asking all about how we all were - he even asked about his dog! He told DH about his friends from here that he had talked to recently and wanted to know how the progress on his 4-wheeler was going (DH has ordered parts and torn it all apart to get it ready for when SS2 gets back). SS2 seemed annoyed because apparently they are not going to Six Flags as promised, and he said they haven't really done anything since the last time we talked to him.

This was totally not what we expected. We figured he'd be all quiet and maybe even pissed at us. DH was ready for the accusatory tone he has had before when swayed by BM's drama. Nothing! As much as this drama sucks, SS2 may have finally realized it has nothing to do with his brother, but rather BM self-inflicting it. One can only hope! It definitely seems as though he still knows his shorts are blue, though : )

Incessant Phone Calls

2008-08-02T17:39:00.004-04:00

Since the 27th, we have gotten an almost daily barrage of phone calls from BM. I'll just bullet the general idea to save me the agony of having to listen to them word for word again.

* SS2 calls to find out when he is leaving. We did not call him back. (Read: BM made SS2 get on phone and call us since we didn't call her back and she hadn't received our letter yet.)

* BM: she will be going down and we either change his flight or he is not coming back (yes, she actually said it) and she will have DH arrested for not sending SS1 (funny how it took her 5 weeks to be concerned with the fact that he didn't come down), DH is selfish, SS2 is sitting right there, SS2 has read DH's letter, and DH can call SS2 and tell him he can't visit his grandparents (we never said he couldn't, he just needs to be back at the pre-arranged time).

* BM: (In a classic case of BM psychiatric chaos, she has discovered how to use her not getting her way as a bonus for her. The previous phone call, just over one hour before this one, was screaming, high pitched babble. This phone call was calm, almost gleeful, with an air of arrogance. It is like you can almost see her brain forming her alternate reality right before your eyes.) She is going back to what we agreed, SS2 can now see what we are like and what she has had to deal with for years, he is witnessing everything, this is a blessing in disguise, we're hurting him, and maybe this way, we'll have time to squeeze in his medical appointment before school starts, since SS2 had to come to her with all his medical concerns.

*BM: calls to inform us that she got the letter about us taking SS2 to the Dr. for a physical shortly after he gets back and that DH will discuss BM's concerns with the Dr. She states "that was all she wanted."

*BM: calls with a litany of family history of thyroid issues, something about some radiation cocktail, her parents want to pay to have SS2's ticket changed, and if we could find it "in our heart" to change the reservation, we are making a big deal out of it, she would never do this if it a medical emergency happened to DH's parents.

*SS1 flew to Former Home State to see both sets of grandparents. While he was with her parents, they of course forced him to talk to BM on the phone. She started bribing with all the things they would do at Christmastime, and SS1 said he didn't think he would be coming at Christmas. On came her tears, her father took the phone from SS1 and said to BM, "Maybe he'll change his mind by Christmas" and winked at SS1. They go to the movies and get a call that BM had to go to the emergency room because she passed out putting a tape in the VCR. SS1 is so disappointed that his time with his grandparents was interrupted by her drama. (Note: BM's father is working, going to the movies, and not having a medical emergency. Surprise, surprise!)

*BM: calls to state that she knows DH's signature and I forged one of the letters we sent her, and that is against the law. (What is really funny is that he did sign it! I think she thinks it was mailed after DH went to Former Home State this week. What a dumb ass!)

*BM: calls to insist that she have the phone number for SS2's Dr. here so she can talk to the Dr. herself. And we better get her the number in a couple days, or else.

So, as of right now, looks like SS2 is coming back on time. Until her brain takes a sharp turn to the right again, anyway. I'm calling Monday to get in to see the Dr. so we can give her all our documentation and give her a heads up about BM calling before we send BM the number. We are also going to get the ER report and hopefully our letter to the ER doc in SS2's medical file and another letter requesting that DH be informed of any appointments made for SS2, so if she calls for his records, that info will go with. We are also going to try to get SS2's Dr. to call the ER Dr. and find out what we asked for in the letter, since we still have had no response from him. We'll see how it goes!

Letter to ER Dr

2008-08-02T17:23:00.007-04:00

Since we are unable to reach him by phone, we FedExed a letter to him:

Dr. Emergency Room,

You provided emergency services to SS2 on 7/12/08 for difficulty breathing. I have received a copy your emergency room report.

My first concern is that in your report, there is no indication that you recommended that SS2 receive a barium swallow, a bronchoscopy and a thyroid test. However, SS2’s mother
has informed me that you did and that these procedures/tests MUST be performed. She also indicated in your report that there was some recommendation that this be done when SS2 was 10, however there is no recommendation in his current medical records for this procedure, nor has his primary care physician ever recommended it.

She also stated that his airway had swelled up and that you were unable to maneuver the scope due to this swelling. I also see no indication of that in your report, and specifically the only abnormal finding upon examination seemed to have been “mild redness” and “mild expiratory stridor”.

Just to clarify my position: I have had court ordered physical custody of SS2 and his brother since 2000. His mother and I are not separated, as she indicated in the report, we have been divorced since 2001. There are no current custody issues, SS2’s mother has summer and Christmas visitation. She has a history of court-documented mental illness and this is not the first time she has unsuccessfully used emergency room services for SS2 as a way to effect a change in a current court order.

I tried to contact you by phone the day she notified me of the emergency room visit, 12 days after, on July 24, 2008. I was informed by one of the receptionists that I would be unable to ever speak to you on the phone to discuss SS2’s health with you. A nurse, Dave, was only able to confirm what was stated in the report, and indicated that BM had tried to schedule the procedures to be done on July 17th, however she canceled the appointment. BM stated that she had attempted to have these procedures done, without my knowledge I might add, but was unable to because recommendation was required from SS2’s primary care physician here in CurrentHomeState, as well as copies of his medical records.

I have already notified her that SS2 will be visiting his primary care physician anyway shortly after his return home for his fall sports physical and the issues she has brought up will be discussed. However, as she has threatened to “report” me if these procedures are not performed, I cannot stress to you enough how important it is that I receive either a confirmation or denial in writing of the recommendations she has stated you made, as well as what information any recommendations may have been based on.

I also want to assure you that SS2’s anxiety was not a result of anything I have said to him. He has been in counseling for years to deal with his mother’s erratic behavior. In fact, before he left for the summer, his counselor addressed his concerns about having to agree with statements his mother makes which he knows are not true. The counselor gave him an example of what his goal should be for the summer. If SS2 has blue shorts on and his mother insists they are red, he is to agree with her and say they are red to try to diffuse the effects of her impaired reality, but he is to come home still knowing his shorts are blue. I suspect that this may explain his heightened anxiety.

I can see from the careful wording in your report that you may have had some indication that there was more going on than what was being told to you. Any statements I have made to you in this letter regarding what BM has said to me have been left on my voicemail and I can send/email you a recording if you are concerned about the validity of any of my statements, as well as any court documentation you may need.

I would like to thank you for the attentive care you provided for SS2 during his visit, and am hoping that a written response from you, along with the other information we have about his health, will insure that SS2 receives the most appropriate medical care in the future.

No response yet, we'll see...

Dumb and Dumber!

2008-08-02T16:29:00.008-04:00

The following is a response to a post on someone else's blog, who is going through similar things with their BM. I am posting here because mister-m brought up this exact topic in a response. Thank you for concurring!

Just shaking my head, back and forth, back and forth. It has got to be some kind of affliction related to Munchausen Syndrome by Proxy. Not to the point of actually doing anything to the child to make them sick, but filling their heads to make them "think" they are sick. Ironically, as I looked up Munchausen on the internet to see how to spell it, I came across this list:

Illnesses and conditions that are feigned by Munchausen sufferers

* Acid reflux
* Anxiety disorder
* Arthritis
* Asperger syndrome
* Cancer
* Clinical depression
* Dissociative identity disorder (Multiple Personalities)
* Electrolyte disturbance
* Heart disease
* Lupus
* Kidney disease
* Post-traumatic stress disorder
* Sexual abuse

The only ones our BM hasn't said she has is acid reflux, Multiple Personalities, and Aspergers. She has all the others, though.

I can definitely sympathize with you about the "pink spots", we had to take SS2 to the Dr's and have the Dr explain to him that he would not die from eating sunny-side up/over easy eggs. Another time, SS1 was going to sleep over at one of his friend's houses (I'll call him Sam), while Sam was spending the weekend at his dad's house and SS1 was spending the weekend at BM's. Apparently BM informed SS1 that his sister at BM's house had a rash and BM thought it might be "Scarlet Fever" - ooooooh, scary sounding and garnering lots of sympathy? Well, unfortunately for SS1, he told Sam's dad and step-mom about it during the car ride back to their house. Step-mom happened to be pregnant and they flipped out thinking they had some Scarlet Fever carrier in their car. They made him sit outside their house until BM came to pick him up. No sleepover for SS1. And no Scarlet Fever for SS1's sister!

I forgot to add in this post reply, that one time SS2 had poison ivy all over him. We took him to the dr's (not the emergency room!) and he got an allergy shot and we were told to have him take baths in Epsom Salts. He had been doing that for about a week, then it was BM's weekend, and we sent over the salts with instructions. At 12:30 in the morning, we get a call from her saying that she had just got off the phone with Poison Control and that the Epsom "Salts" were causing edema in his legs and she had pulled him out of the bathtub and would not be having him take the bath again. Seriously! DH called Poison Control after getting off the phone with BM, and believe it or not, actually talked to the same operator that BM did. She said she never told BM edema could occur from soaking in Epsom Salts. (Apparently, SS2 must have eaten the "salts" before they dissolved in the water - hee, hee). Needless to say, when SS2 came back 1 1/2 days later, in the tub he went with the Epsom Salts.

Good grief! Dumb and dumber.

Flight Issues

2008-07-27T22:44:00.005-04:00

So now she is leaving messages saying that she is driving from Her Current Home State to Our Former Home State with SS2 to see her parents, and that we must change SS2's flight to leave from that state instead.

She has known all summer what his reservation was and she agreed to it. Never did she say he would be leaving from a different state. She also did not plan this trip until she found out SS1 (who has spent the summer with us) was going down to visit her parents in a couple weeks. She is trying to get SS1 cornered at her parents' house. Unbelievable!

When SS1 found this out, he said he only wanted to visit DH's parents instead if BM was going to be at her parents, but we decided he should be able to see them, so he is flying down early instead. We discussed with SS1 that this was exactly why we don't typically tell them about plans such as this, because they blab to the Grandparents and then BM finds some way to screw everything up. He had bugged the crap out of us about seeing his Grandfather, and we knew he was feeling bad about not getting to see his sister, and we really though he had wised up enough to keep his trap shut. His response was "But I didn't think she would drive all the way down to do that." Hello, your own mother called the police on you for acting like a teenager and you didn't think she could pull this off? Wake the @$#*%! up!

DH tried to ask her to just leave a few days early so she could be back in time to get him on the scheduled flight, but she said she "had plans" and wasn't changing her plans. Hello, what about the plans she had with us first? She then starting laying into DH about the whole Spring Break thing, so he hung up. Unfortunately we were talking to SS2 before she got on the phone. SS2 called back about 10 minutes later, and can you believe this, starting apologizing to us, saying, "I didn't know she was going to get like that." Wake the @$#*%! up!

DH told him there was nothing to apologize to us for and to just do what he had to do to have a good rest of his summer (in other words, tow BM's line until he can get out of there!)

Her last message reiterated that she wasn't changing her plans and DH had to change the flight, implying that she was not sending SS2 back if the flight wasn't changed. She also threatened DH and said if he didn't get those medical tests for SS2 that she was "reporting" him. Oh, and get this, she said SS2 had told her he had an "open ended flight". The email we sent on April 15 had a date - that is clearly not an open-ended flight, nor did SS2 book his reservation, so why would she think a 13 year old was a reliable source of this information?

I knew she would mess this summer up!

There are two alternative tracks she could take. One would be to really go to see her parents and really not send SS2 back. This is the scenario we have been dreading and looking forward to at the same time. This would be our slam dunk as far as going back to court. But it would also be a pain in the ass for the boys and us.

The other would be to cancel her trip to see her parents or do it after SS2 leaves and then blame DH for the fact that SS2 couldn't see her parents. Conveniently omitting the information that she had since April to plan this trip around SS2's flight and didn't. I think SS2 would see through this strategy and it could most certainly be addressed in counseling and while it would do less damage in the long run, is nothing we can use in court.

Here's an idea, how 'bout we all get to have a NORMAL @$#*%! SUMMER!

This is one of those days : (

2008-07-24T17:42:00.004-04:00

So BM leaves DH a message saying that SS2 now needs a barium swallow or a scope shoved down his throat! She's claiming he should have had this done when he was 10. Oh, and a thyroid test. Neither was recommended by his original surgeon, his primary physician or his ER doctor. BM is obsessed with medical procedures. She said she already tried to get SS2 appointments to have the procedure done this summer (without even informing DH), but they require his primary physician's approval and she's not able to get his medical records, because she hasn't figured out all she has to do is call the school to find out where he got his last physical. (We are not withholding this info from her maliciously - years ago she refused to accept our certified mail when we were sending her newsletters of all the pertinent info for the boys and said from then on she would be finding everything out on her own, we are merely following her request.) We responded to her VM message with the following letter (but then she called back, leaving another message backtracking about how she wanted to make sure we didn't think she was "ordering" us, but that she was just concerned about it, so we sent a muted down version of the letter instead. Unfortunately we took out the part about the flight, because that is the next problem that has arisen, next post...

"I got your phone message today regarding SS2’s trip to the emergency room on 7/12/2008. I am glad that you are finally notifying me of this visit 12 days after it occurred.
While I understand you have always had a hard time overcoming SS2’s medical issues he had as an infant, I can assure you that he has no long term effects from his surgery. I have discussed this issue with his primary care physicians over the years and there was also no indication from the surgeon who treated SS2’s vascular ring that there would be any long term issues. It was not recommended that he receive a barium swallow at age 10, and I find it odd that this is now a concern for you 3 years after the supposed “recommended” age.

Dr. ER at Blah Blah Medical Center also did not recommend either a barium swallow or have difficulty examining SS2 during his visit. In fact, all indications were perfectly normal, except for some mild redness in his throat. Dr. ER also did not recommend a thyroid test. SS2’s weight has been discussed when he received his last physical, and it was recommended that he work on his diet and exercise more. I have been working with him to make better eating choices and have provided him with many physical activities to increase his level of exercise. It was my understanding that you were working on this with him as well at the YMCA gym near your home.

Please rest assured that at his next physical, which will need to be soon after he arrives home August 20th in order for him to play in fall sports, that I will address the issue again with his primary care physician and also ask if there is any indication that SS2 should have a thyroid test, besides just your opinion.

As far as SS2 seeing a physician in Your Current Home State, I feel that it would not be the best use of the short time SS2 has remaining for his visit. Your concerns are non-emergency and can be most thoroughly addressed by his regular physician here in Our Current Home State. I’m sure Dr. Tried to get in but couldn't 'cause I didn't have the record’s office would agree as well.

SS2 also discussed with me your interest in having him fly from Our Former Home State to Our Current Home State at the end of his visit. His flight this summer was already changed once due to your request, and I will not be changing his currently booked flight. He is to be on AirTran Flight 000 leaving Blah Blah Airport in Airport City, Your Current Home State at 6:10 pm, August 20th."

We ended up not sending this exact letter, because she left a much calmer message saying that she wasn't trying to tell us what to do, so we took out a lot of the rebuttal info, since we didn't want her to be on to what we knew about the situation.

We knew it! Summer ER Trip #1 continued...

2008-07-24T12:15:00.004-04:00

Got SS2's medical records in the mail today. BM is so full of crap it isn't even funny. And she thinks just because she tells someone something and they write it down it is true!

This is the choking on an ice cube incident.

Dr's notes:

"His mother reports that the patient had vascular ring surgery when he was 5 months old. He lives with his father in Current State and is visiting mom for the summer. He apparently was supposed to have a formal endoscopic exam at age 10, but mother states that this did not happen. His parents are separated and there appears to be some custody issues."

Only the first two sentences here are accurate. No formal endoscopic exam was ever recommended and this issue has been discussed with his primary care physician and he stated that there was nothing that needed to be done as SS2 aged.

But really, if she was that concerned, why did she wait until he was 13 to complain about it? She has had him for several weeks each summer since then, why did she not make him an appointment?

Hello, they are divorced, not separated, and there are no custody issues. DH has physical and she does not. What is the issue?

She had the doctor perform an oropharyngoscopy and a soft tissue neck x-ray. Are you kidding me? Talk about having a child undergo unnecessary medical procedures!

"His airway was wide open, and other than some mild redness as noted above in the right hypopharynx. He had normal-appearing cords, and all the other structures were of normal appearance without evidence of any edema or airway compromise. I visualized through the cords, and this also appeared normal proximally...His symptoms seemed to be somewhat accentuated by anxiety."

"When I came into the room to perfrom the procedure, the patient had a brief episode of being upset and tearful. His mother stated that he was upset because his father told him to not go to the emergency room before he left Current State to visit his mother this summer. The nursing staff came to me at discharge and stated that his mother requested that I put this in my dictation."

Gee, do you think he might be nervous because he knows his mom is making the Dr stick something down his throat over something stupid, just so she can take jabs at DH? I find it interesting that the 13 year old did not say that DH told him not to go to the emergency room, his mother did. I'm sure SS2 was told not to talk. And she really thinks that because she had something put into the dictation that that somehow verifies it? And why would we tell him that when we know he has no choice in the matter anyway, that once she sees some avenue to disparage DH she is going to no matter what.

Now we know why SS2 called us that night to tell us about it. He knew it was wrong and what she was saying was wrong and he wanted us to find out about it. What to do now, though? Just wait until she tries to use it somehow?

Personally, I think this makes her look like a freak with an agenda, but what do you think a judge would think? I know I'm too close to this to have a rational opinion.

I smell something fishy!

2008-07-21T21:57:00.002-04:00

SS1 called BM's mom today to get her Tuna Fish Salad recipe.

Surprise, surprise, SS2 calls this afternoon, because he hasn't talked to SS1 "in a while". In four weeks, he hasn't called to talk to SS1 specifically.

What really happened:

BM's mom called BM and told her that she spoke to SS1 and BM got SS2 to call here to get SS1 on the phone so BM could take the phone from SS2 and SS1 would be stuck talking to BM and listening to her crap.

Thankfully, SS1 is spending the night at a friends, enjoying his summer, and can have a day off from the drama.

Society is Fueling the NPD/BPD Fire!

2008-07-21T19:51:00.003-04:00

The whole cell phone issue has me thinking...

I used to think that once judges caught on to the "typical" NPD/BPD behavior, we would see less people getting away with those types of behaviors. But it has dawned on me that society as a whole is becoming more narcissistic and actually condones this type of behavior.

At the core of this theory is the trend of dependence and being better than everyone else.

It is now expected that you can be reached at all hours of the day or night via text, email, cell phone, and if you can't be, you almost have to make up excuses about the power going out or your battery dying. As a business owner, I feel technology can make us more efficient, but shouldn't our personal lives be more, um, personal?

Parents are now going on job interviews with their adult children.

And employees are interviewing employers, instead of the other way around.

Children are not allowed to fail at anything. Everyone gets an award, goals are celebrated even if not achieved, just for the fact of trying. We are training narcissistic behavior in our schools.

It is acceptable for a 30-something to still be living with their parents. And pay no rent. And take money. And then get angry if they have to follow some rules (yes, I watched People's Court today : )

The credit/housing snafu is a huge example of setting unrealistic goals - really, you think you can afford that 5 bdrm house working at McDonald's. Part-time. Sign on the dotted line.

Like taking advantage of others? Here, let the Federal and State governments help you out. You can shun all responsibility for your sexual behavior, keep popping out children and they will pay you! To sit home, on your ass. Even better, if you can get Child Protective Services involved in your dysfunctional family, they will even give you free daycare. So now, you can sit at home, on your ass, and not even have to watch the kids. And then whine to your parents about how you have no money to do anything with the kids and get Grandma and Grandpa to fund your social life, your cell phone, and vacations. Even better, don't do it all with one man, do it with several, and watch the cash come in.

You know that expression, "she thinks her shit don't stink"? There is a growing population that believes they don't even shit. And why should they?

The Cell Phone Drama

2008-07-20T23:35:00.004-04:00

This past Christmas, BM called while SS2 was with her to say she wanted to get SS2 a cell phone for a present. DH explained to her that the rule in our house is that the kids don't get cell phones until they are 16. We have had this rule since they first asked for them, around age 8 or 9. This is not a new rule, and SS1 and SS2 have been fully aware of it since then. DH told her she was more than welcome to get a cell phone for SS2 at her house, because we do not interfere in the rules at her house, but he would not be able to have it at our house.

Next ensued a 4 day crisis about cell phones, and what would SS2 do if he was lost in the woods (we live in a rural area)? Daily calls about something that DH had already addressed with her. She even got Perpetual Fiance to call DH and "see if we can work something out." Merry, Merry Christmas!

There is one reason we are not allowing cell phones in our home until the kids are 16. They don't need one. We live in a rural area and they don't even come in consistently at our home, so you really only need it when you are out. The only times the boys are out are when they are with one of us, at school, or with a friend's parent. We are involved parents and know where the children are at all times. We don't let them wander in the woods, take off without telling us, or change plans without prior approval. Children have functioned for hundreds of years without their own cell phone. We do feel when someone starts driving, especially a second hand vehicle, it is important that they can call in an emergency. At 16 they will also be with us less of the time and making more plans "on the fly" since it won't involve us driving them anywhere. We feel at 16 (and driving) it would be appropriate to have a cell phone (not to be used while driving, however!).

What I find interesting about the whole thing is that BM still can't let it go. We just talked to SS2 for our weekly Sunday call, and he let DH know that BM was out getting him a cell phone, and that he wanted us to know it had nothing to do with him. Apparently BM has it in her head and has told SS2 that there is a "law" that says we have to give him a cell phone if she buys it. If any of you have heard of the "Child Cell Phone" legislation that has been passed, please let me know the statute # so I can look it up!

DH told SS2 not to worry about it, that it was something for him and BM to work out. DH got off the phone and laughed, 'cause if she does send it home with him, it is going straight into a box and being sent back to her.

This cell phone is her miracle fix for several problems right now:

1) She knows it is against our rules, so she want to show SS2 how unreasonable and cruel we are.

2) She wants to stick it to SS1 for not towing her line and giving SS2 a cell phone at 13 when SS1 will have had to wait until he is 16 (notice she's not buying one for SS1 or worried if SS1 gets lost in the woods!).

3) She cannot accept the fact the boys may not be available to talk to her 24/7. She expects that when she wants to talk to them they should be waiting by the phone to talk to her. The cell phone is her way to interrupt any quality time the boys may be having with us or their friends. What would she do if the boys went to camp? Most of them don't allow contact for at least the first 10 days. We don't call the boys hourly or daily when they are with her. We feel once a week is perfectly acceptable for the ages of 13 and 15. We also don't interrupt the boys when they are with their friends just to talk about the weather, our latest trip to the hospital, to bribe them, guilt them, threaten them or complain about how BM has done us wrong. The cell phone will be her vehicle for all of this.

Ring, ring...

Mixed Feelings

2008-07-16T23:07:00.003-04:00

Part of me feels sad for SS2 and what he's having to deal with right now - being asked to keep secrets, sneaking to use the phone, going to the emergency room for unnecessary reasons.

But the other part of me, the part that has accepted the fact that both SS1 and SS2 have to come to terms with their mother's mental illness on their own and there is nothing we can do to prevent it, is actually glad that it is finally happening for SS2. Until this past Christmas, he has been a complete babe in the woods as far as BM is concerned. He totally felt that any problems BM had were SS1's fault. Now that SS1 hasn't been to visit BM @ Christmas or this summer, SS2 has no choice but to realize that it has NOTHING to do with SS1.

Hospital memories...

2008-07-14T22:55:00.005-04:00

This new round of hospital drama is bringing up all the anger I felt during the first one - see here - I just know she's up to something. Not that money is the end all, but she is extremely jealous that DH and I work hard to provide whatever the boys need, we enjoy vacations, and own a home. Yet at every opportunity she tries to make things financially difficult for us, which she doesn't realize only hurts the boys. It would be one thing if she would just not pay child support and leave us alone, but she doesn't pay anything and then tries to suck anything she can out of us.

1) Money for the lawyers needed to finalize the custody.

2) Money for the lawyer we had to hire to clear up Police Reports Round 3.

3) She tried to stick us with the bill for the emergency room visit in Police Reports Round 2. Not only was DH not allowed to see SS2 for 4 hours by the hospital staff, he was then required to sign paperwork saying he was financially responsible before they would let DH see him. I'm quite sure this is because BM's parents both worked at the hospital and she manipulated something, but that was $1,000 we didn't have at that time. And SHE was the one who brought him there for a cold. Needless to say, we never paid the bill and it "disappeared" after we called the hospital Billing Dept and told them what had happened that night, and that we wanted the number our lawyer should call to settle this matter.

4) During the 9 Days of Hell, she called the police to come to our apartment and take all the boys belongings which we had purchased without any help from her.

5) She made us change SS2's airfare and cancel SS1's airfare for this summer, and of course the only airline that flies from us to her charges for flight changes! You can bet she knows that, too!

6) Then there is the money we spend on having things certified, return receipted, and FedExed, all because she can't be trusted and continually changes what she has said or lies about what has been said to her.

7) And most tragic of all, the hours we have paid for therapy for the boys to be able to wrap their brain around her behavior.

Unfortunately, if how she treats her parents and her Perpetual Fiance is any indication, she will be sucking money out of the boys when they are adults as well.

Called the Hospital

2008-07-14T14:22:00.002-04:00

Tried to find out where she took SS2 this weekend to the Emergency Room from the insurance, but they won't know for 30-60 days. So I googled the hospitals in the area, and what do you know, I actually hit it on the first one.

Get this - she gave no insurance information, even though she has a copy of his card, and the account was listed under his name alone. The woman in billing said this was very unusual, since minors are always under one parent or another for billing. In other words, she managed to get the bill in SS2's name, so when she never pays it, it will go on his credit instead of hers. She also did not pay the copay, but the billing person said their policy is to make the person who brought the child in pay it, so we might not have to pay that after all.

I just can't figure out a) why she is keeping it a secret from us and b) why she wouldn't give the insurance information (it's not like she's going to pay the bill). The only thing I can think of is she wants to make a big hassle for us to have to weed through dealing with the insurance company. Lucky for us, SS2 tipped us off and we are taking care of it before it becomes a big mess. She's up to something, though!

Summer Emergency Room Trip #1

2008-07-13T21:47:00.006-04:00

SS2 leaves us a message at 1:30 am last night to let us know that BM had taken him to the Emergency Room because he "choked" on an ice cube. I'm pretty sure ice cubes melt inside our bodies, so the likelihood of choking on one seems pretty small to me. I could understand if he was a toddler, but we're talking about a 13 year old here.

So he leaves a message telling us that it happened, but that he was fine. BM didn't even let us know and she has no idea that SS2 told us. I can't believe her! This is why she doesn't have custody. If she did, DH would know nothing about the boys (except when they are not having sex with the girl sleeping over).

SS2 didn't talk about it at all on the phone tonight because BM was standing right next to him when we were talking to him. Then while SS1 was talking to SS2, she got SS2 to ask SS1 to talk to her. She just can't let SS2 be and stay out of all her issues with SS1.

Then she gets on the phone and tells SS1 all the things they bought for SS2 and how much money she spent on him, and by the way, she's sending SS1 a sweatshirt. Apparently, he only gets the consolation prize since he didn't come visit this summer (which in her mind is SS1's fault, not her's).

The Sick Voice

2008-07-11T14:22:00.004-04:00

BM has a tendency to have two separate voices (well, 3, if you include the "screaming at the top of your lungs" voice.)

The first is her sickening sweet, "I'm the best mommy in the world" voice. This is what she uses when she is trying to make up for something, or bribe the boys, or try to mislead DH into thinking that she is being cooperative, when really she is planning some type of attack. We treat anything said with this voice with extreme caution.

The second is her "sick voice". This is the voice she uses when she is explaining why she couldn't pick the boys up on time, or why she didn't call when she said she would, or why she is canceling her weekend. She also uses this voice when she wants to get something and feels sympathy would boost her case.

What is very odd about the "sick voice" is that it comes and goes in conversation. Sometimes she speaks normally to DH and when he hands the phone to the kids, the "sick voice" starts. Or sometimes it is the opposite, and she speaks to the boys normally, but then when she talks to DH, it is in the "sick voice". A couple times she has left messages in the same day, usually only a few minutes apart, and she apparently has forgotten which voice she was using, because one message will be in the "sick voice" and the other one will be in the "best mommy" voice.

Very odd!

This little piggy cried all the way home!

2008-07-10T23:38:00.002-04:00

SS2 called back...

...Guess what, no broken toe! Are you surprised?

Boys will be boys...

2008-07-07T10:30:00.000-04:00

...or one would hope. BM has managed to turn SS2 into a perpetual victim. SS2 was born with his aorta wrapped around his esophagus, which was taken care of with surgery before his first birthday. Since then, BM has referred to SS2 as having a heart condition that somehow cripples him and limits what he can do. Once DH gained custody, we took SS2 (age 5 at the time) and his medical records to his pediatrician and confirmed with the doctor that there are NO long term issues regarding his health, that the issue was taken care of, and that he does not have a heart "condition". She has continued to treat SS2 as a victim, someone that needs continuous protection, and has never allowed him to be a "boy".

She takes him to the emergency room for the sniffles and tries to prevent custody exchange by saying DH would not give him his medicine.

She calls Poison Control at midnight because his legs got red when he was soaking in Epsom Salts for his poison ivy (which was recommended to us by the doctor). Why he was taking a bath at midnight, I still don't understand.

She has a hissy if SS2 and SS1 wrestle.

She called Child Protective Services on us because we had him stacking 8 pieces of wood in the sunroom by the stove this winter and he whined to her over the phone that he didn't want to do it and would "kill himself" if he had to keep doing it. She called DH and told him we were treating him like a slave (never mind the fact that we were the ones lugging the wood from the wood pile to the house).

She has made SS2 feel that he is weak, less than normal, and someone that requires extra protection from the rest of the world. It took us years to get him to try anything a little bit challenging or risky. He now has the ambition of a couch potato, gives up if anything is the least bit difficult, and constantly makes excuses for himself.

SS1 will never have a regular rough and tumble brotherly relationship with SS2. When SS2 gets a paper cut, he whines.

I feel sad for him, more than anything, because he's missed out on a lot. He doesn't climb trees, jump his bike, play football (only two-hand touch), or goof off with his brother. Why? Because he has a "heart condition" and has been taught by BM that he is unusually fragile.

Yet SS1's learning disability, which was identified by the school, has been completely ignored by her for years.

A broken toe and sex with the babysitter?

2008-07-06T16:37:00.007-04:00

So it has officially been two weeks since SS2 left for the summer. He called DH last week to let him know his toe was broken. He stated his sister had rode in front of him and his foot got stuck in the spokes. Why he wasn't wearing shoes while riding his bike we'll never know! No worries, though, Dr. BM diagnosed it and all is well.

Each time DH has had an opportunity to talk to SS2, BM is always standing right there and takes the phone from him so DH is forced to talk to her, even though he has requested that she contact him in writing about any issues. This last time, her "emergency" that required her to talk to DH right away was to let DH know that a friend's daughter sometimes spends the night, but she wanted DH to know that SS2 and her were not sleeping in the same room and weren't having sex. Hello?????? SS2 got on the phone with DH and was like, "I don't know why she had to tell you that, like what am I gonna do?" This is a kid that finally had his first girlfriend in school this year (7th grade) and all they did was talk on the phone, they didn't even go "on a date". We are not talking about some horn-dog that obsesses about girls or is ready to whip out the condoms.

Today is Sunday, the day DH said he would regularly call SS2. Conveniently, Perpetual Fiance took BM's cell phone by mistake today, so we'll see if SS2 ever calls back.

PS - the one thing I asked SS2 before he left was to not call my cell phone while he was gone. I've already had to change my number, because BM would call mine when she couldn't get a hold of DH. What do you know, he calls the other day from her cell to mine, so now she's got my number again. The first time she calls it when he gets back, off I go to get a new number.

I love you and I love to guilt you!

2008-07-05T17:04:00.007-04:00

The boys always enjoy getting mail. Usually it is magazine from a subscription or a card from one of the grandparents. SS1 gets a card from BM's mom this week. Starts off really sweet, and then, bam! in for the kill. I had the blessed honor of reading out loud to SS1 because he couldn't make out the cursive handwriting:

Dear SS1, Grandpa and I hope you're enjoying your summer so far. Enclosed is a little spending money and a picture of our new dog, Ali. She's growing fast and we're having a lot of fun with her. I talked with your Mom today and she's very sad that you haven't returned her calls. She misses you and I hope you change your mind to visit her. Enjoy the summer and be careful! Love Grandma and Grandpa

(Grandpa did not sign the card himself, and probably had no idea what written in it.)

Puleese! SS1 was all excited about the pic of the dog, and when I read the card to him, he just threw the picture down on the floor of the car and sighed. Never mind the fact that he had already talked to BM (see "Can't buy me love, love" entry on June 26th). So either BM is lying to her mom about talking to SS1 or Grandma is really as ruthless as we have always thought. I don't understand why she can't be a Grandma to him and stay out of all the drama?

Her husband does a much better job, and SS1 loves him to death. He never brings up the drama or places undue pressure on either of the kids. In fact, I think a small part of him wistfully wonders what his life would have been like if he had DH's courage to leave. If there is one character in this saga we feel sorry for, besides the kids, it is Grandpa. Not only is his daughter completely irrational, his wife supports it and often acts quite similar. He has always been cordial to DH, especially so when Grandma or BM are not within earshot. He's told DH that he is happy our business is doing well, that he trusts DH's judgment, and when SS1 called to thank him for the card, he suggested that DH, SS1, Uncle B (family friend), and he go to a b-ball game together the next time they are in former home state. It is almost as if he wants to be able to be alone with DH to unload something. He recently had a heart attack, and maybe he feels there are still things he wants to say to DH. Who knows? I do know SS1 would love having his Grandpa and DH together with him again.

Hammering Out Summer Plans

2008-06-27T18:21:00.009-04:00

The following are emails between DH and BM regarding summer and a whole bunch of crap from the past she insists on bringing up. He tried to follow the "low contact" guidelines, and only address things said that we would want to be able to disprove in court, if the emails were ever used.

March 28th, 2008

DH: Since the flight plans that we already agreed to on the phone are not acceptable to you anymore, I am requesting that you email me the final dates that you wish to make for summer.

If I do not have something back from you in writing by April 10, 2008, the reservation for SS2 will stay as we agreed before.

If I receive new dates from you, I will do my best to find tickets on those dates that are in the same price range as the tickets we already agreed upon. If there are none on those particular dates, I will find dates as close to your dates as possible that are still within the price range of the tickets we already have.

March 29, 2008

BM: We never agreed on the dates between you and I. You communicated to me through SS2 after telling me so many times we are to make any arrangments between you and I and never though the boys'. Now lets talk about RESPECT after you sitting there and letting SS1 to talk to me the way he did. I called the family court and told them how you let him disrespect me like you did and they said that this was unexceptable and to report any other problems you have with him. I told them of the report

March 29, 2008

DH: There was no flight information in your email. Please let me know the dates you would like.

March 30, 2008

BM: I will allow SS1 to stay the first week after school lets out, but the earliest he will return will be three days before school starts backup. I never made any arrangements with you personally. You let the boys' give me any information you had to tell me and you made it very clear in the past that all arrangements were to be between the two of us and the boys' were not to be involved. You will not give me the small amount of time in the spring in which I have asked you for, which will leave you a whole week to do with how ever you choose . I will pay for SS2' flight and SS2 wants to come at that time ,so I am going with the court ordered agreement and I am keeping him as long as possible. I know there is a flight you can get him on and if you go against our court ordered agreement you will go against a court order and I don't think you want to do that. The family court division, who I called said that it is unacceptable how SS1 talked to me especially with you standing there not saying a thing about it. That just shows the guidance he is retaining from you or the other people around him, and you have the nerve to talk to me about disrespect. It's a real shame that our boys' have to grow up with out both of there parents most of the time since you spend a lot of your time down in Former Home State. It sure would be nice if one of their real parents could be there more often,but you made sure that the one that really wants to be with them [their real mother] can't be. I hope you are proud of your self. You are at least hurting one of our children and making it really hard for him. I think it is sick that you tell SS2 that you will take him on a four wheeling trip during part of my vacation with him. You are just putting him in a very difficult situation. I at least have a heart and told him to go have fun and don't worry about me . He felt so bad. I hope you are proud of your self. There is only one word for you and that is SELFISH!!!!! Maybe some day you will think about someone besides yourself and make it easier for your son to show his real feelings and so he doesn't have to feel bad about wanting to spend time with his mother.

March 30, 2008

DH: Thank you for replying with the dates you would like SS2 to travel. I would like to make a few comments that I believe will clear up what you are misunderstanding and is making you so upset.

1) When we had our very good 45 minute conversation a few weeks ago, I asked you what dates you wanted for summer. You told me it was up to the boys. I then told them that you had them all summer and that the plans were between you and them, since you left the decision up to them.

2) Last week, when you were talking on the phone with the boys, I got on and we discussed approximate dates based on when the boys were out of school, and you agreed.

3) This past week, in therapy, after the flights were already booked, SS2 stated that he actually wanted to come back 2 weeks ahead of time at the end of the summer. I told him that was not what we had agreed upon with you, and asked why. He stated that he wanted time to be with his friends, and we told him that there would be plenty of time to do that on the weekends before he left and after he came home, that the summer is your time.

4) I have never promised SS2 that we would be going 4-wheeling for the week. He asked us if we could, and I said it would depend on the dates that you picked, since last summer you only took them for 3 weeks. I told him that if you requested all summer, that we would go on a weekend before he left.

5) As far as the time I spend down in Former Home State, I only go 6 days a month (split in two 3 day trips twice a month). This is not a lot of my time. When you subtract time that the boys are in school or sleeping, I am only away from them 30 hours a month, which would be the same as working until 6pm for 15 days, which I had to do more than that when we lived in Former Home State (and I also never have to work weekends). So even with the trips to Former Home State I am available to be with the boys more now than ever.

6) As for the amount of time that you spend with the boys with the new agreement, if you do the math, and add up the amount of weekend times, 1/2 vacations, and 2 weeks in the summer that you had in Former Home State, the amount of time you have now based on the current summer flight info and every Christmas is exactly the same. When looking at how many weekends you canceled due to illness, vehicle issues, etc. you will actually have more time this year than ever before.

7) As we are finding out in therapy, SS2 doesn't express his real feelings to anyone. He commented that he just treats any feelings that are difficult for him as if they are files on a computer and he drags them into the trash and throws them away. He tells people what he thinks they want to hear. (Even at school). I will give you a perfect example. When we were at dinner before SS2 went to see you at Christmas, out of no where, he says "I wish I didn't have to go to my mom's." I told him that it was your time to spend with him and that you were excited to see him and left it at that. In therapy this was discussed, and he stated he was sitting there and felt bad for us and thought he should say it. I told him that it actually made me sad that he would think that (as does the whole situation between you and SS1) and that I don't like hearing that they don't want to go. That there is nothing wrong with saying that they are excited about going, because they should be.

SS2 doesn't feel bad about spending time with you, he feels bad about having to explain to you that he has other interests as well. As we discussed a few weeks ago, SS2 is a teenager now, and part of his growing up right now is separating himself from his parents. Both of his parents. SS2's main interest right now is spending time with his friends. If you take that into account, I actually see SS2 less than you will, because most of his free time is spent with friends. In no way do I hold this normal behavior against SS2, and have told him as much.

What he is having a hard time with is trying to please you all the time and living his life. Asking him to come live with you and crying at the airport and on the phone minutes after he gets home does not make this easy for him. Just as we have stressed to him how important his time is with you, it would be helpful if you did the same. After he came home from Christmas with you, we discussed that it was not up to him where he lives. The paperwork is there for a reason, so that the kids are not able to manipulate the situation. I have always told them that the time you are entitled to is for you to decide how to spend.

8) As for your conversation with SS1, the boys always talk with you in their rooms, unless we are in the car all together and they call you on my cell, and I really have no idea what they discuss with you.

Please take a moment to really consider what I have written, since I took the time to try to understand your concerns and comment on them. I will email SS2's new flight confirmation when the flight has been changed according to your request.

March 30, 2008

BM: First of all if you are going to send me a letter next time you need to write it your self because we both know you have never wrote any of the letters that have been sent to me. You are not going to tell me that I can't show my feelings when my children leave for seven months. I have never let you go that long without seeing our children. I let you take them the whole summer to take them up to see dragonmctts' family after you attacked me and my boss in my apartment complex. You never have to give you only know how to take. SS2! asked me if he could live with me and I said I would do what ever I could to make that happen. I can't help he wants to live with me. I love the fact that he wants to live with me and it is only natural that a young boy would want to live with his mother who gave birth to him. I love all my kids and I just want them to have everything they want and need. I want them to be as happy as possible. You won't do that for your son who wants to come and stay with me for a week in the spring. He asked me yesterday if I wanted him to ask you if he could go in the spring. Ask him your self if you don't believe me. That is why I am the only one that is giving up some of my vacation for them. So if you want to preach about the kids interests you might want to take a step back and look at who the selfish one is. I am the only one that has had to give up in the interest of our kids
I am not going to make things harder for SS2 he has enough to deal with, considering if he goes against you in anyway his life just gets harder. I know the truth and that's all I need, and I can give you an example about SS2 too. SS2 is the one that called me and told me he was going to kill himself if I didn't get him out of your house as soon as possible. That is really disturbing and incredibly upsetting. I am telling you this, I better never here those words come out of ether one of their mouths ever again. I have never put words in the boys' mouths unlike you guys when you sat them down the night before you tried and failed to get them to lie to get me in trouble with child protection. You see you actually have to do something wrong or illegal to get in trouble, because they have to have proof before they can do anything. You! better than anyone should know that. I have never broke the law so you can't do anything to me and for some reason that bothers you or dragonmctt. Well I guess it just comes down to this. I will keep on giving and you will continue taking like it has always been between us.

P.S. I will never sign anything for you ever again, and Perpetual Fiance said after the way SS1 talked to me the other day he will not alow a 15yr old version of you in his house this summer and he will miss out on the professional training in a real gym and the water parks he was willing to do for him. Maybe this will teach him that you are just hurting him by you allowing him to treat me anyway he wants. He told me how you don't care how he acts at my house and that is just plain bad parenting.

March 30, 2008

DH: I'm sure you remember what my spelling is like, and my typing is even worse, so, yes, I don't to the typing. Businessmen always have someone else type what they dictate - it doesn't make the document any less real.

Of course I expect you to show your feelings, a hug and "I love you" would be appropriate. Trying to make them feel sorry for you and feel bad (by having to witness you hysterical) about something they don't have control of is not.

Of course SS2 wants to live with you. If you were the custodial parent, he would want to live with me. That is a normal reaction of children of divorce. Especially when time spent with one parent has no responsibilities on them, and with the other they have bed times, homework, chores and rules. A mature parent would explain to the child that what he is feeling is normal, but is not the way things are, instead of trying to use that to make themselves feel better and create confusion in a child's mind that it is somehow up to them when they turn the "magical" age and can "talk to a judge".

About April vacation, I'm sure he did ask you, because as I stated in my last email, the way SS2 has dealt with everything is by telling people what they want to hear. That doesn't surprise me at all. I will tell you this, though, if I did what you do and rattle of list of things that they will get to do in order to want to stay with me, and told SS2 what we are doing on April vacation, he wouldn't be mentioning it to you at all anymore. But I won't do that, because then he will feel conflicted about trying to make you happy and actually wanting something else.

Yes, when SS2 does not do what is expected of him, his life gets harder. That is called consequences for your choices. Again, that is normal.

Yes, it was difficult for SS2 to come back from a week of no responsibilities and then have to actually participate in a family chore, which SS1 did several times while SS2 was gone. Yes, he wasn't happy about it. Yes, the fact that you were crying on the phone made him upset. Yes, he made a statement in the heat of the moment, with his emotions as raw as you made them.

A mature parent would have told the child that there are things in life that we may not want to do, but we need to do. A mature parent would have respected the rules in the other parent's house, instead of calling and saying I treat him like a slave.

And actually, the most disturbing and incredibly upsetting part of the whole incident, was that if you really thought he was suicidal enough to call Child Services, that you didn't even inform me of that when you called to yell at me about making him do chores, so that I could keep an eye on him. The report clearly shows that it was just another way for you to vent to anyone listening, as the whole first part is about your issues with me, and you don't even mention SS2 threatening to kill himself until the end. I'm sorry, but if I genuinely thought my child was going to kill himself, that would have been the first thing I said. By the way, during the interview with SS2 while he was at school, he rated living with me as a 7 out of 10, which is more than a parent of a teenager could ask for.

Regarding my summer visitation after you left the state, violating our Separation Agreement, I would say "letting" is not the word you're looking for.

I have never called in a report for Child Services to come to your house. Unfortunately, the school counselors' the boys have gotten support from over the years have had concerns and they are required by law to do that. I do think that having a verified report of Domestic Abuse and being threatened with having my third child taken away would be as close to "trouble" as I would want to get.

It really does make me sad that you refuse to let go of the past, continue to use your hatred of me as an excuse to manipulate the boys, and were able to totally destroy all the work we have done with SS1 since last summer in session after session of therapy to try to mend his relationship with you all in a five minute phone call.

Dragonmctt and I don't want to "do anything" to you, we want you to be able to have healthy relationships with your children. I suggest you take copies of these emails to your therapist, one who knows about your "arrested development" and discuss your concerns with him. These are all things that you can work on to have the best relationship with both SS1 and SS2, and salvage what little is left of their childhood.

I am glad you are taking the time to read and respond to these emails - we can talk much better this way - I can hear your views and you can hear mine. This will only help the boys.

March 31, 2008

BM: First of all I most certainly did tell child protection first thing about what SS2 told me. And I called them first thingto clear that up real fast, Because that is a total lie and it is very important that they don't take that so lightly like you are, and I told them that the only reason I called them was that I thought he had a good life with you or I would not have signed the paperwork to have the boys, move up there with you.

Second of all I told SS2 I was calling child protection immediately and he begged me not to tell you what he said and after all with your bouts of rage and your abusive nature in the past which I still have reports of those incidents. I was not about to leave my child to experience what I have had to in the past. Example; you punching holes in the wall where my face was, pushing our boat of the trailer and the huge bruise on my leg which I still have pictures of when you punched my boss in the face and punched me in the leg . I can send you a copy if you would like. He was obvious emotionally traumatized enough already. I also did not start crying until he hysterically proclaimed what he had told me and I don't know any real loving parent that would not react that same way. You unfortunately need to see who is the real one manipulating our children. I have tried on many occasions to have a healthy relationship with you for the kids and for the sake of us to. I was the one that was told that you told the kids that you would take the kids on a week 4 wheeling trip during my week of vacation and it is very understanding why they would want to go. But you need to realize what position YOU our putting the kids in. I never make them feel bad and I tell them if they have something that has come up that they are to do those events and not to feel bad about it and I will not be upset and I have always told them that-and I mean it whole heartedly. I have always wanted the best for the boy's . If I only cared about myself and wanted to monipulate the boy' like you say I do I would have put up a huge fight when you asked if you could move them 2000 miles away, but I didn't because I knew how much they like it up there, but now when I ask for something, will you do the same in return, no. Even when it is what your son wants, that's just mean.

You and dragonmctt can keep playing these games , but you will always know who has given up the most for our children. It has always been like that for me . Lets see dragonmctt get up on two story buildings and paint with a deformed back in 98 degree heat-with nothing to show for it . You say I need to put every thing in the past ,but it is kind of hard when you have to live the emothional and pysical pain of the past every day of your life. You don't have any pain so it is real easy to let go of the past, there again you never have to give and by the way I hug and kiss the boys every time they are here which is more than I have ever heard about you. I just hope that the boys' are happy and that you or anyone else ever has to feel the pain that I do everyday.

March 31, 2008

DH: The report speaks for itself. They are trained to tell the difference between actual calls of abuse and vindictive ex-spouses. That is why your call resulted in no further investigation after SS2 was spoken to.

The time I punched the man you spent the night with was when I thought there was still a chance to save our marriage. That case was dropped. As have been all of your attempts to make-up police reports to keep me out of the boys' lives. The false domestic abuse - dismissed. The false tape recording - never charged and dropped. The false check forging - dismissed immediately as soon as the DA saw actual evidence. Just because you say something in a police report doesn't make it true. The way it works is you are innocent until proven guilty. Not once have I ever been found guilty of the things you have accused me of. Wonder why that is?

Healthy relationship? Your messages on my cell phone regarding spring break show how you must struggle emotionally every day. You did the exact thing you claim you don't do. You wanted to make them feel bad, you did become upset at them about me, and you admitted to planning to manipulate them - "I'll make them believe it."

I think it is interesting that you spoke several times about moving (to Arizona, I believe), yet never did. But after the boys moved away, you moved to BM's CurrentHomeState. Their moving away released you of the guilt you felt about being the first one to move. Please don't act like you did us a favor.

Your comment about me being mean because I won't give SS2 what he wants again shows immature parenting skills. If children always got what they wanted whenever they wanted it, they would be taking on the adult role in the relationship. Parents set rules and boundaries that allow children to remain children while maturing with guidance.

I think it is a problem that you view your relationship with the boys as a game - in which you have to "win". Right now, they are losing.

I have no doubt that your emotional and physical illnesses make it difficult for you. Your not being able to grasp your unhealthy relationship with the boys does pain me. It makes me realize how you really are not able to look beyond yourself and your suffering, to see how the boys are suffering. They both just want to love you, without feeling they have to please you by hating me. Your suffering and their suffering would be so eased if you could just let that go and accept them even if they show/tell you that they love me too.

April 1, 2008

BM: You of all people are going tell how to be a better parent after you told the boys' in the past that you played tapes that you recorded of me with recorded devices on my phone which you pleaded the fifth on in court. which right there they knew you lied. You also told them that I cheated on you. which is also a lie. That is real mature and nurturing. No scars left from that or anything. You have damaged those boys', not me, but you of course make it look like it's my fault when I'm just defending myself from your lies. That is what a deceptive person is good at. I have never wanted them to have a bad relationship with you . I just want them not to believe the lies you have fed them and don't say you haven't because you know you have. OH, YEAH! I WAS ALSO TOLD YOU KEPT THE TAPES UNDER YOUR BED WHEN YOU FIRST STAYED AT YOUR PARENTS HOUSE. I have all the proof and when the kids are old enough they will understand why it was so hard for me all these years and I am not the one that filled the boy's head with a bunch of lies like you have. In this country it is unfortunate that you can buy your way out of any crime that you commit, that is why it has cost you so much in the past. I over heard your Attorney tell you you better keep your nose clean because he had to do so much work on your case and get you out of so much trouble and I also know it cost a lot to get you off on the crimes that you committed. Just because you give an attorney a bunch of money doesn't mean you didn't do the crime. I have the proof and I just pray the boys' don't follow in your foot steps. I have wasted enough time playing your game I'm just going to enjoy my kids. Bye.

Thank you so much for taking the time to listen to my side.

April 1, 2008

DH: You really think that one day the kids are going to be old enough to deal with your feelings of hate? I don't think there is ever an age that they could withstand that without completely turning away from you.

They already know why things have been so hard for you all these years. They may not know what it is called, but they know mental illness when they see it and feel the effects of it. Instead of talking to them about it like you do your physical illnesses, you leave it up to them to figure out. You tell them when you are physically sick and need rest or support. They have accepted that and understand it. They would accept it, too, if you explain to them that some days are emotionally better for you than others, and on the harder days, you need their understanding. And just as you are taking steps to recover physically, that you are taking steps to recover emotionally. The boys understand therapy, they get it. They understand that emotions are hard to deal with and everyone has something they are working on.

How can you enjoy your kids, when one of them can't even have a different opinion than you, and the other one does whatever he has to so he doesn't get rejected the same way?

You can change this path, you can have everything that you feel I am keeping from you, but you have to acknowledge the issues to change the pattern.

Do you really think I would take the time to try to respond logically to your comments if I didn't care? I am listening to what you are saying and trying to explain what would help the situation.

At this point, if I really didn't want you to have a good relationship with the boys, I could just sit back and watch you do all the work to destroy the precious bond that you have with them as their mother. Without therapy, SS1 never would have been able to speak with you again after last summer. Not because he wouldn't want to, but because emotionally, he couldn't risk it. I support your relationship with them, which is why they go to therapy to learn how to deal with your behaviors.

How else could you explain that for a few months now you and SS1 have been getting along (which wouldn't be possible if I constantly tell him lies, like you think I do), and then in a matter of minutes of being on the phone with YOU, everything is undone. It wasn't anything I said, it was what you said to him. You had been giving him space from the hate feelings and instead focused on your relationship with him. The first time you slipped back, he said that was enough and you rejected him, again. Unfortunately, you keep showing him what is more important to you - sharing your hate for me with them is more important than being there for them.

I find it discouraging that you think discussing the boys welfare and how they need support is a waste of time. I hope in the coming months you are able to spend some time reflecting on the things I have said, and you are willing to truly show the boys how much you care about their happiness.

April 2, 2008

BM: You are the one that has started this whole thing buy lying about Spring Break and you can fix it and stop this whole thing and if you cared about anyone you would. I am not going to except my son calling me and talking to me like he did and I did not just start yelling at him he started with me. When my son talks to me in disrespectful tone especially when the kids aren't supposed to be in the middle of our conversation, but I guess you can use them when ever you want you. I love my kids and if I wanted them to hate you I would not build you up like I have in the past, But when you continually lie and you manipulate them the way you do to make them think it is me it is very upsetting and I will defend myself. I love when you say my other son just doesn't want to be rejected. Neither one has been rejected and I have never once had problems with SS2 he feels comfortable with me and I never have had to battle with the problems that I have had with SS1's behavior. I just wish you would not have filled SS1's head with so much because he told my mom some of the things that have bothered him about me and they were what you told him not what I filled his head with. So if you doesn't want our children to have problems just stop lying. I had put all that behind me but, when I found out that the kids had not one but two weeks after me asking you when we were working out the visitation, what about Spring Break you yourself not SS1 said they don't have it up there. Like I would sign away Spring Break with my kids but I actually trusted you again and got burned and you know you said it because I caught you in your own lie. When I said you said they don't have Spring Break because of snow days you said I didn't say anything about snow days but you did say they have no Spring Break.and if I wanted the boys; to hate you which is the last thing I really want . I have a lot of ways that would do it, but I don't OH by the way I never said I was moving anywhere for sure and I didn't sign the papers to satisfy my guilt I think that's how you put it. I wanted to give the boy's what they wanted and it was really really hard and you will never know what it is like to sacrifice like that. It just is not fair when we both know you told me there was no break .And I don't want our children involved in our matters. I don't think it is fair to have SS1 call me about our conversations. he will never benefit from what is between you and I and you made me defend myself to him which he had know idea what he was talking about . He doesn't even know what conversation we had. Please don't get him involved he has been through enough. SS1 just needs to know the truth about me, so he doesn't have to be so angry anymore. He feels that I did some bad things to you and feels guilty when he gets to close to me. He feels that he is hurting you. The boys' don't have to say things to make me feel better because they know I will always give my time for them if they have something that comes up, but you won't and I even said I would pay for it. plus it isn't me that they want to see they also want to see their sister and by the way she is their real sister unlike what you said that's just mean to say that I'm the mother of all three of them and they are all very close. I want to end this now I am not fighting with you either way I promised myself and you I would never be here again. I just wish you could step up and right a wrong.

April 2, 2008

DH: I'm going to go over some things with you, hopefully this will clear things up.

- Our agreement was done between the the two of us. It was not court ordered until after we had already agreed. Visitation guidelines are just that, guidelines. I had done the math and felt that what I asked you for was reasonable, as you would have the same amount of time with the boys as you did when they were living in Former Home State. If we went by the "guidelines", you would not have every Christmas with them.

- Not having vacation because of snow days doesn't even make sense, since snow days are added to the end of the year, which is why I put in the paperwork for summer "dates based on school calendar."

- When we signed the paperwork, if you truly didn't know about April vacation, you really thought that it would be reasonable that you would get all of the boys' vacation time?

- We moved to new home state at the beginning of April, which means they have already had an April vacation up here. Why has it taken almost a year for this to be a problem? They were with me for April vacation last year as well.

- I didn't have SS1 call you to talk about it, you asked to have him call you about it. These were your exact words, "So, if you don't want me calling the court house, and causing a whole bunch of trouble, you better have them call me right away, 'cause they are going to know that you lied about this, and I don't care what you say to them, (chuckle) trust me, I'll make them believe it."

- Telling a child that he is not welcome in your home because he doesn't agree with your opinion about me is rejecting.

- Giving the boys what "they want" is not a very difficult or responsible way to have a parent-child relationship.

- SS1's issues with you are based on his own experiences with you, from things that have happened when I wasn't even there.

- Please feel free to send the flight money anyway, as it would be applied to your half of the boys' court ordered medical costs which you have always claimed not to be able to pay.

- From online wikipedia:

Full sibling

A full sibling (full brother or full sister), is a sibling that shares both biological or adoptive parents.

Half sibling

A half sibling (half brother or half sister) is a sibling with one shared biological or adoptive parent.

(are you going to disagree about biology, or are you now trying to say that Child #3 is my child after all?)

You haven't been wronged. You just aren't getting what you want when you want it.

I am not looking at this as fighting. You are expressing your concerns, I am expressing mine, and hopefully, eventually, we can come to some level of understanding. I can't address what is bothering you, unless you let me know.

April 3, 2008

BM: You told the boys' Child #3 was not their REAL sister not whole sister which is really cruel. she is their real sister like it or not and they could not love her any less than if she was their whole sister. When it comes to SS1 he is responsible for his behavior towards me. It is not that we won't let him come because he won't go against you it is the way he acts towards me. I am not upset that he believes your lies it is the way he talks to me and the chance that he will take more time away from the vacation like he did the last time when I had to babysit at my parents house when he snuck out of my parents house while my mom was sleeping for work and he went down to the pool after he was told that if he went out of the house he would be in big trouble. He does get disciplined for his actions with me. I will not put up with his attitude just like the officer told him. SS1 got him so upset that he told him to sit down and shut up and he better not talk to me or him like he was. So if you want to see how he behaves when your not around than you can get a report of that and see that he wasn't just disrespecting me , but a police officer. You might want to have a talk with him, like I have many times that it is important especially later in life that he better watch his behavior or he might have a lot of trouble later on. You are going to ruin him. He was fine until all the fun stuff was over and when he knew he wasn't going to get anymore stuff he just did what he wanted and said my dad said he doesn't care how I act with you and I do what ever I want and that is not excepted in my house.So obvious he doesn't care about seeing his sister too much. Child #3 told me the reason she doesn't go to him like she does SS2 is that he picks on her and is mean to her all the time, I would expect that from a younger brother more than the oldest one. My parents even have problems with him. He just thinks he can do anything he wants, you might let him, but I don't! So what your saying is that you lied But it is my fault that I didn't say anything about it last year. Well I am upset that you lied about 1 spring beak ,but now they end up having two and that is just plain selfish to make children wait SEVEN MONTHS to see their mother and then try to blame it on that they need to abide by paper work that was LIED about YEAH! your right they are going to retain so much guidance and maturity from that that I don't know how they could have a bright future with out that one. You keep trying to throw it on me. all I ever try to do is defend myself to SS1 not try to make him hate you .I don't want my kids to hate any one. Perpetual Fiance would gladly give me the money for the Spring trip.I personally don't make enough, but you should know that because the Judge from when you took me to court 3 times yelled at you and the attorney for you and said that he better not see this case come back in front of him again. He said this girl is on disability she doesn't make anything, but you never could get enough money and had to stoop down and try to get money out of your kids disabled mother.

April 3, 2008

BM: I will not take away SS2's 4 wheeling plans so you can keep the departure the same, but he will be going home no earlier than the 24th of Aug. There will be no other agreement that I will agree too. If you want too go by the areement we have through the court, than that is more than I even need to give you. That shows I am not the person that you claim I am.

April 3, 2008

DH: I have the police report from your last summer visit already, and all it indicates is that you can only discipline with physical violence and police intervention. The report actually states that SS1 removed himself from the situation by leaving the apartment, since in the past there has never been enough room for the boys to have their own space. This is a strategy that has been encouraged by his counselor and I am very proud of him for reacting to your actions that way. If you think the report shows SS1 in a bad light, you would be mistaken.

I am glad that you have realized that SS1's behavior stems from the fact that you continually promise them "fun" things to do to get them to want to visit with you. Of course if he is promised things and they are not followed through with, he will be disappointed. Maybe not spending months promising things and actually telling them that visitation is for time to be with you, and it doesn't matter what they are doing with you, could solve the problem you have pointed out.

It is not that I don't care about how he behaves, it is that I have nothing to do with your interactions with him when he is at your house. You need to address the issues that occur at your house, just as we address issues at our house. I have never had to call the police to help me parent.

The issues Child #3 may have with SS1 sound like they also have to do with discipline issues in your home. Fortunately, you are mistaken again about SS1's feelings. After you rejected him last week, he took his photos of Child #3 and put them in the plastic sleeve of his planner folder, so he could see them while at school. If you think SS1 doesn't care about Child #3, you really aren't able to see his pain at all.

Also, if your parents have such a problem with SS1, why is it that whenever you can't handle parenting him anymore, he goes to stay with them?

I am only pointing out that if this conversation you say happened about spring break, which never did because it was not part of the suggested visitation schedule I presented to you, I would think you would have mentioned it last year, instead of waiting until now.

Personally, I would find it more responsible to borrow money to support your children's medical costs, than spend it on extra vacation. That would be an example of the difficult decisions that a responsible parent has to make. I don't understand why would a parent put vacation before medical care?

I am surprised that you believe that I took you to court for child support. If you look at the top of your paperwork from our case, it clearly states "State of Former Home, Department of Revenue" as a listed petitioner. When a parent receives any support from the State of Former Home, they find the other parent to get their money back. When I was awarded custody, I applied for the state run Healthy Kids program, which provided health insurance at a lower cost. The State of Former Home took you back to court to get their money back. I was listed as a petitioner because we already had an open case in family court. If you look at our docket, the child support issues are addressed in the same file. However, I was not the one filing the paperwork. I appeared in court because I felt, since it concerned our children, that I should be there. The reason it went to court 3 times was because you did not provide evidence of your disability until the third time. I couldn't imagine a judge yelling at an attorney from the State Dept. of Revenue (again, all three times, that was not my personal lawyer). At the time we were in court for our divorce to be finalized, you also had no evidence of any disability, which is why 1/2 of the medical costs were ordered. You are free at any time to go back to court to petition to have that changed, until then, you are still expected to pay.

I am glad to see that you agree that the 4 wheeling plans are SS2's. He had asked about it months ago, and I said that we would have to see what your summer plans were, since, again, you only requested to have them 3 weeks out of the summer last year. When you stated to me that the summer plans were up to the boys, I told them they would have to discuss summer with you (which is what you requested). I have never asked you for that time (you are not giving "me" anything) and I have no plans yet to go 4 wheeling this summer, - you are more than welcome to have all of your summer. I have already told him that your time is all of the summer and we could go 4 wheeling on the weekend sometime before he left or after he returned. You are not taking anything away, because there is nothing planned. Would you like him to come down the day after he gets out of school and come home the day before?

April 4, 2008

BM: I really did ask you about Spring Break and, I'm sorry you don't remember that. I respect the fact that you would want that time with them, but there are now two weeks and since our sons, their sister and I have to wait 7 months to see each other. that it is insane you would understand that it is just plain reasonable that it is only human that this is too long for a parent, their children and their sibling to go with out seeing each other, when there is an extra week besides the one that I requested to to begin with and that you said did not exist. You honestly think that this is in our children's best interest to not see us for 7 months? When you have them everyday, weekend and one week during the Spring, if you want. I have to have all snow days taken off my vacation and I am willing, for the kid's sake, a week on top of that. Let me see if you can do the same for the kid's. I do understand that the boy's have friends, sports and such and that they want to do these things during my vacation and I am willing to sacrifice for them and always have. You are being asked for the second time and you haven't done that once for them.

Now when it comes too the case of the judge yelling at the attorney, you were there and this just proves that I have been writing too dragonmctt the whole time. At least with all my health problems I take the time too address the interest of our children first and foremost. You say that every business man dictates their letters, but I don't think of our children as a business. You can communicate too me yourself. I have known you since we were 15 and I know for a fact that you are not writing these at all, not even close. So when you can speak for yourself and for the interest of our children. You let me know when you can find the time, for OUR kids sake. I have to take a few days off because of crushing a nerve in my spine, only because the doctor has put me on full bed rest until I talk to the surgeon on Mon. I will address as much as I can until then against the doctors orders like I am doing right now.

April 4, 2008

DH: All I need you to address is if you want SS2 to fly:

1) right after school gets out/the day before school starts

2) one week after school gets out/August 24th

3) Another option could be right after school gets out/leave the one week at the end of the summer as it is now, so that he will get to see you sooner.

When you are able, please send a final confirmation.

April 8, 2008

BM: I am going to go with him coming right after school lets out and leave the week at the end so he can get ready for school to start. I'm sorry it took me so long to get back to you. I was in the hospital. They think I had a mild heart attack. I had really bad squeezing in my chest, my jaw locked up and I broke out in a cold sweat. My EKG came out bad and the test for a blood clot too the lung or heart came back positive, so I have been in CCU for a couple of day's on blood thinners and hooked up to every machine they had. Tell the boy's that I couldn't call them the last couple day's.

Spring Break Freak-Out

2008-06-27T18:00:00.005-04:00

DH called BM in February and asked her what her plans were for the summer (last year they were supposed to be with her all summer, but she chose to only take them for 3 weeks). She stated at that time that it was up to the boys, so we told them that they needed to figure it out with her, but that if she asked for them to come down the whole summer than that was what would happen, since that is what the paperwork states (this is the first year we have allowed the boys to have any say in the matter (ages 13 and 15), but since last summer's trip went so poorly, we wanted the boys to be very clear with her about what the plans were). Over the next few weeks they hashed it out with BM.

BM had verbally agreed to SS1 going down for a month this summer, and SS2 spending the whole summer, minus a few days after school got out and a week before school started again. Flight reservations were made based on this, and the flight itinerary emailed to her.

Spring Break was coming up in April, which is not stipulated in the agreement as a time for the boys to travel to see her. She had called to have the boys fly out for the week, but after what had happened at Christmas and last summer, and especially since we had already made plans for the boys to visit to our former home state to visit both sets of grandparents, DH told her it wouldn't work out.

In March we get the following voicemail messages:

12:11 pm - Hey it's BM. I was looking over the, um, flight schedule that you sent me and I called the school and, um, they told me that the boys get off on the 20th and go back on August 27th. I mean, I think that's fair to, you know, have them come back a week early so they can get prepared for school, but since I can't get them that week, you know, you won't give me like one of the weeks, you know, they get one off in February and one in April now, and when we did that paperwork, you lied to me and said that because of school days they don't get spring break, and I think that's, you know, pretty low, so I'm not going to give up my week, you know, at the beginning of the, of the, um, summer vacation then, and, 'cause the paperwork says I get them all summer, so, you know, I'll give them that, that week before they go to school so they can pick out clothes and stuff like that, but I'm not going to give up the week, uh, before it. I get them such little time anyway, so, um, we're gonna have to work that out, 'cause it's in the paperwork that I get them the whole summer, you won't give me the weeks, uh, in spring, so I'm gonna take that week back, so, alright, I'll talk to you later. Bye.

BM actually gets the boys 5 more days a year with the current agreement than she did when she saw them every other weekend. How mature - you won't let me play with your toy, so I'm taking my toy back...jeez.

12:48 pm - I just don't understand why, you know, after you lying to me, all that lying to me, and, oh, and calling me a liar to the boys all these years, you know, you just can't give me a week, that I deserve, I DESERVE a week, when you are 50 miles away from a child, you deserve a week away, but no, me being, you know, taking your word for it, I signed papers for you and your wife to move up there with the boys, and you can't even give me a lousy week in the spring, I think that is pretty fucking lousy, now if you can't work that out, I want SS2 when he gets off, and you can send SS1 when he gets off, because that's how it's gonna be. I'm gonna get every frickin' day I can, with the boys. If you can't give me a lousy week in the spring, well, that's your fault then, and I'm gonna tell the boys that, that it is your fault, that you can't give me a week with them in the spring, so I'm making them come down a week early, 'cause I'm missing out on a week in spring. So, you can live with that, when I tell the boys that, 'cause it's YOUR fault, 'cause you guys are being selfish, and stuff, and your having to ask (dragonmctt) for permission on everything, frickin' ridiculous, hey, whatever happened to the balls that you had when we were married? God, she must have cut them off and frickin' put them in her purse. Man, 'cause you were frickin' balls when we were married. You didn't listen to a damn word I said. SO FIGURE IT OUT! Get SS2 back, over here, right when he gets out of school, and get SS1 out when he gets out.

It's interesting how you can see her winding herself right up. She really does believe that visitation is for her, not for the kids. She also projects all the time about lying, saying DH is the liar, when in fact it is her. I also find it funny that she says she never talks to the boys about issues from the divorce, yet she threatens to twice!

My favorite part, though, is the part about DH's balls. She can't stand the fact that DH and I are happily married and live our lives TOGETHER. When SS2 heard the message, he laughed and said, "She's always talking about your big, juicy balls." And then he shuddered, like any teenager (or adult, for that matter) would when thinking about a parent's anatomical parts.

2:15 pm - Hi, waiting for a call back, um, you know, you haven't answered me, why I can't have them for a week, you know, with them getting two weeks off in the spring, why is it that I can't have one of those weeks. You know, you haven't returned my call on that, and stuff, and so, I'm gonna have them the whole summer, then. 'Cause you're going by the paperwork, you can have them a couple days before, um, school, um, starts back up, but I'm not giving you the week after when school gets up too, if you can't even have the decency to give me an answer on that. So if we are going to go by the paperwork, I get them the whole summer, and you can have them a couple days before they have to go back. Your not getting them a whole week before they have to go back to school. You don't need a whole week. So. Give me a call back, it's all up, in your court, so give me a week in spring, when they have two weeks off, or you send them as soon as they get off of school, and you get them a couple days before they have to go back. So if you want to go by the paperwork, I'll go right along with the paperwork. So. Alright, talk to you later. Bye.

Is it just me, or does it sound like she is talking about arranging the schedule for a timeshare? It is almost as if the boys themselves aren't even in the equation.

2:17 pm - Oh, yeah, and by the way, I will tell the boys why that is and it's because you lied to me, and saying they had to make up their snow days during the spring, and they'll know that you also lied again, um, so, you know, it's up to you, you can fix it, or you can, uh, let them know, you know, just how deceptive you are, so, let me know, alright, bye.

Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys about it again.

2:23 pm - Over here, they're staying the whole summer then, if that's how it's going to be, you lied to me, and your going to be jerk about it, well, the boys will know that they're going to miss out on everything that they are going to be able to do this summer, because of you, because you wouldn't let me have them for spring break, that I would be entitled to, and you know damn well that's true, and I'm just gonna tell them, it's your fault, I'll keep them the whole summer then, but it is YOUR fault, because you lied to me, you know very damn well you did, so, do whatever you want, but I'm getting them the whole summer.

Projection, projection, projection. Threatening to talk to the boys again. And why are they going to miss out on everything this summer?

5:10 pm - DH called her back and tried to explain that only summer and Christmas were in the agreement, and that there had been no conversation about it, but she was too far in her rage to listen.

5:32 pm - Hey, have the boys call me as soon as they get home, 'cause I'm supposed to be able to get a hold of them whenever I want to, uh, I'm supposed to have direct contact with them whenever I want, you guys don't have a normal phone, I'm gonna go to the courts with that, um, and, that's gonna be changed, um, so they better call me right away. So, if you don't want me calling the court house, and causing a whole bunch of trouble, you better have them call me right away, 'cause they are going to know that you lied about this, and I don't care what you say to them, (chuckle) trust me, I'll make them believe it. And you know you lied about it, you know you told me there was no spring break, so, you know, everything that they are going to miss this summer, is all going to be on your shoulders, or should I say (dragonmctt), since you can't make a decision to save your life, so, you always have to ask mommy for everything, so, um, I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, we'll get those walkie-talkies implanted into their skulls right away! All she has is a cell phone - we at least have Skype that the boys can use whenever they want, with their own incoming number and voicemail. We actually got this so she could video chat with them, but has she ever got it set up? It's FREE! How much more trouble could she cause? (we're dying to get her into court anyway). Some more projection. The "I'll make them believe it" sent shivers down my spine. Didn't she just admit to being an alienator? Still don't get why she thinks the boys are missing something this summer. And finally, another dig at our healthy relationship, which ironically, is also a projection of her relationship with Perpetual Fiance (as we find out in a later email).

Since she stated numerous times that she would be discussing this issue with the boys (highly inappropriate), we figured we better give them a heads up. We told them that of course their dad and I discuss plans and how that affects the whole family, and that in good relationships, things are discussed together. We also let them know that if she states in writing that she wants the flight changed to all summer, that is what will happen. We discussed with them that we felt it was inappropriate for her to be discussing this with them, but that she wanted them to call her right away. She talks to SS1 for a whole 3 minutes, telling SS1 that he had to say DH was a liar, that SS1 was responsible for his grandfather's recent heart attack, and when SS1 refused to agree that DH was evil, she hung up on him.

These is the email that SS1 wrote to her after getting off the phone:

I was trying to get over my self to visit you this summer but you are forceing me to stay the whole summer because of something between you and my dad and putting me in it is pretty childish I mean we could not last 2 weeks and you think we will last the whole summer and trying to guilt me with grandpa that was pretty crul. I will always love you but I just can't handle this so until then this is it.

5:58 - That's fine, if SS1 doesn't want to come, that's fine, but get SS2 on a plane, I'll have all summer with him, so that's fine.

We let SS2 know that he would be going for the whole summer, which he was not happy with, since he wanted a week of summertime with his friends up here. SS2 is on the couch, and we tell him that he needs to call his his mom. He gives us a smirk and says, "I got it covered." As if he already knew he could manipulate her. And he comes out of his room 10 minutes later and says that he can come back a week early. Don't know what part of his soul he had to sell.

Can't buy me love, love...

2008-06-26T21:37:00.003-04:00

...Tell me that you want the kind of thing that money just can't buy,
I don't care too much for money, money can't buy me love.
- The Beatles

So SS1 just spoke to BM on the phone. After gushing about all the things SS2 has been doing, she asks SS1 if he is planning on coming for the week at Christmas (6 months away). He tries to be polite to her on the phone, as to be able to have some type of normal conversation with her, yet she insists on discussing this with him now, the first time he has talked to her in weeks. Then she puts SS2 on the phone to beg SS1 to come at Christmas. Then she guilts SS1 with how much his little sister misses him and how he can go to an indoor water park. He tries to end the conversation by telling her he'll think about it, instead of telling her how he really feels, which is scared to death that she is going to call the police on him again, and disgusted that she would say a little version of DH was not welcome in her house (which she wrote in an email a few months ago). So she goes to her last resort, "I'll give you $200.00 if you come."

SS1 got off the phone utterly disgusted. He did a good job keeping his cool, but he was so disappointed that he couldn't have a normal conversation with his mom, his brother or his sister. The whole time it was all about the drama - not "How are you? What's new?"

I don't get it.

Answering the Call

2008-06-23T14:18:00.004-04:00

SS2 left a message for us last night. We called back today, BM answered the phone, DH told her SS2 had left us a message and he would like to talk to him, and she says to SS2, "Did you call your dad last night?" in that snotty tone, like she thinks we are lying, or SS2 did something wrong. Apparently he called while she was sleeping, or something, because she knew nothing about it. Part of me feels bad that we may have put him in a predicament, because I'm sure he'll hear an earful. Yet, another part of me feels like this is the only way he is going to understand. We never restrict his calling BM, unless he is trying to get out of a chore or extend his bedtime, yet she constantly bitches about phone contact - like she's supposed to have a 24-7 intercom attached to his ear.

He only answered in yes or no answers and had nothing to share, so we ended the call in about 3 minutes. It was clear that BM was staring him down and he felt uncomfortable. I'm sure she will either hide the cell phone or threaten him not to talk to us until Sunday. Next time we talk to him, DH is going to tell him that if he gets the voicemail and leaves us a message, just to tell us that he will call back when he can and isn't expecting us to call back, so we don't put him in this situation again.

He's going to learn the hard way what his older brother has had to deal with for years, while he was off in lala land playing with his little sister. Maybe he'll come home with a new appreciation for SS1 and what he has been through.

Fly, little bird, fly

2008-06-22T22:51:00.003-04:00

Well, we dropped SS2 off at the airport yesterday. His flight was delayed a bit, so we don't know if she actually made it on time or just got lucky, but he called after he landed and said all was well. Instead of dreading hearing the phone ring because it is most likely BM bitching about something, now the silence of the phone will be deafening. How is he doing? Is she grilling him? What mean thing has she said about us today? What is she bribing him with? Will she just let him enjoy his summer?

SS1 became teary-eyed as we watched his plane take off. Not sure if it was because he would miss his brother, or he is hurt that he is not going, or a combination of both. We have a room above the garage that has been made into a mini-apartment for them and their friends to hang out in, fold-out couch, chairs, pool table, musical instruments, etc. SS1 asked SS2 if he wanted to sleep out there with him Friday night. SS2 was floored. BM has made SS2 think that SS1 "hates" him, when really they have a typical older brother/younger brother relationship. But SS2 looks at it through a warped lens (he's always the "victim", never the instigator). When I went to wake them up Saturday morning, SS2 had his head resting on SS1's shoulder. It was too cute!

It is very strange to send a child to spend time with his mother and have no idea what he will be like when he gets home, if he even comes home.

Today's Reality

2008-06-18T19:43:00.008-04:00

I thought I would be able to get all the past in before I started writing about the present, but as time slips through my fingers, I'm realizing I just need to write as it comes to me.

Today was the last counseling appt for SS2 before he leaves Saturday to visit BM in another state for 8 weeks. The longest he has stayed with her at one time in the last 8 years was 3 weeks, and that involved the police. Other than that, it has just been one or two weeks, or just weekends. Considering how the week at Christmas went, I'm very anxious about this summer. With the counselor we went over with him the following issues:

1) What to do at the airport if BM is not there when he lands (she has already warned him she might not be). Hello!!!!!! Arrive 45 minutes before the child lands, minimum. Good grief. We are going to practice with him what to do when we drop him off at our airport.

2) Strategies he can use when BM starts bashing DH or SS1 (who, is not going on the summer visit).

The counselor used a great analogy. Let's say SS2 is wearing blue shorts and BM tells him they are red. He may have to agree with BM that the shorts are red to keep the peace, but we want him to come home and still know the shorts are blue.

He also is going to try the "I don't know" strategy, since that is actually true and he doesn't know anything about why SS1 is not going and doesn't know anything about the many things in the past BM will bring up.

If these two don't stop her, he's got two back up plans.

Try to distract her, by talking about videogames or some TV show. She is easily distracted and often forgets what she was just talking about.

And finally, if all else fails, he's just gonna come right out and say that he is there to visit her, enjoy time with her, and what is going on with DH and her, or SS1 and her, has nothing to do with him.

3) We discussed what a police report is. Whenever she is angry, she brings up police reports. She has them on DH, SS1 and Perpetual Fiance. We explained that a police report is only a version of events written down by a police officer. There needs to be evidence that supports the report in order for there to be an arrest. Then there has to be a judge or jury that finds someone guilty or innocent based on evidence. None of BM's police reports have ever made it to this stage. Lack of evidence and credibility will do that!

4) We discussed how phone calls were going to go. DH will call him one day a week, Sunday, and if he is not there, that is ok. He can call us back when it is convenient for him. We will not be calling 15 times in a row, or yell at him if he does not call back instantly. We understand that he will be having fun and exploring a new place and that is ok. (This will totally take the power out of BM's hands, because I'm sure she's already planning on screening her calls and saying "your dad hasn't called in a while.")

5) We will not be crying at the airport when he leaves. That does not mean we love him any less. We also will not be calling him as soon as he gets to BM's and cry on the phone about how much we miss him and how we wish he didn't go. That does not mean we love him or miss him any less.

How sad is it that we have to do this to prepare a 13 year old to spend time with his mom?

Police Reports, Round 2, Trying to regain primary custody

2008-03-27T19:15:00.003-04:00

2-4-01 Family Trouble: BM has moved back from the state she fled to with the boys and is having her first visitation with them in 6 months. She picked them up Friday and was to return them on Sunday. As we are waiting at the pick-up location, DH gets a phone call from BM saying that if he wants the boys he needs to go to the hospital and pick them up. After we arrived, the hospital staff refused to allow DH to see the boys (her parents both work at this hospital). We waited 4 hours because they kept telling us it would just be a little longer. Finally DH called the police, we found out later that BM had already called the police.

Favorite lines:

"She stated she brought the child into the hospital for possible respiratory problems." SS2 had a cold.

"She further advised me she was very concerned DH would not follow through on getting the child's medication or any medical follow up." Pu-leese.

"She returned both children to DH without any further incident." Nice try, but the Temporary Custody paperwork don't lie.

What should have been a normal Sunday night, turned into a nightmare. The boys didn't get to bed until almost midnight on a school night! She really thought that officer so-and-so was going to say, "Gee, I don't know what that judge was thinking. Of course you can have custody of the children. Let me tell DH to go away." SS2, who had no problems with DH for the whole 6 months BM was gone, was suddenly afraid to even be near DH at the hospital. By the time we had driven the 45 minutes home, both SS2 and SS1 were back to their normal 5 and 8 year old selves.

Police Reports, Round 1, Trying to keep DH from the boys

2008-03-27T15:59:00.005-04:00

BM's favorite tactic is to file police reports to document "her side" of events. She has yet to realize that a police report is just that, one side of a story, unless there is a full investigation and some type of criminal activity. None of her police reports have ever led to anything, except the check forgery, which actually earns a post all to itself. What is really sad is she continues to bring up things from her police reports as if the reports themselves prove that she was telling the truth, when in fact, that is not what a police report means. I don't think she will ever understand that.

12-6-99 - Domestic: BM states that DH had some type of recording device hidden behind the medicine cabinet in their bathroom and that he had come into the apartment and removed them. They were separated by now, and he had moved out, but he was still on the lease and did not enter illegally and had only gone to get some of his belongings. She states that he trashed her apartment. The whole tape recorder thing was her way to try to get some criminal charges pressed, and get DH out of the children's lives.

My favorite lines:

"She also stated she is seeking an attorney to try and get a restraining order as soon as possible." It took her until the end of the month. She obviously didn't realize you don't need an attorney for a restraining order.

"I then asked if she knew where her estranged husband lived, and she stated no. She thought he was at his mother's, but she did not have an address, only a phone number. When I called the Communications Center to get an address from the phone number, I was unable to get one." How can you be married to someone for 9 years and not be able to give your mother-in-law's address? I have a feeling she also gave a fake phone number, because his parents lived in the same house for years and hadn't ever changed their number, so the officer would have been able to get the address. BM just didn't want DH to be able to give his side.

Case Closed.

12-31-99 - Misdemeanor Battery: DH had gone over to BM's new residence to tell her the boys were upset that she hadn't called them as she said she would. The boys had spent the night with DH. Upon arriving around 8:30 am, DH saw BM get out of a man's car, which she said in the report was a "friend" but during the blow out about summer vacation this year, she refers to him as her "boss"(which is odd, since she claimed on the police report that she was unemployed). Regardless, DH at this point was still hoping to save the marriage for the kids sake, but it was perfectly clear that she had moved on (I seriously doubt they had gone for an early morning breakfast!) The "friend" took a swing at DH and DH swung back. The "friend" took off and later returned at the request of the police. DH wound up arrested as he admitted to hitting the "friend", however the State Attorney "having taken testimony under oath...concludes that the facts and circumstances revealed do not warrant prosecution at this time."

My favorite lines:

"...she ran into a neighbor's house to call 911. She stated she instructed the dispatcher that she would be standing outside."

"explained how to obtain the injunction, because of her statements in reference to her being afraid of her husband."

These two lines together just seem strange. If she was so scared of DH, why would she wait outside where DH was?

Case Closed.

1-20-2000 - Theft: A few days after her restraining order was denied, BM calls the police and says DH stole the boys social security cards and birth certificates and a key to her apartment.

My favorite lines:

"She stated she wants this incident documented because she is going to reapply for a restraining order."

"Due to the lack of evidence, I titled this report as a theft."

"I did not see any signs of tampering, damage or forced entry to the exterior, interior, front doorway, front windows and screened in porch area." Maybe 'cause it never happened?

Case Closed.

A few months after this is when BM took off to another state with the boys. All quiet on the police front for another year.

Perpetual Fiance

2008-03-26T15:05:00.002-04:00

1) During the divorce, the General Master pointed out at the first hearing that you're not supposed to call your current significant other "your fiance" until you are actually legally able to marry him.

2) It has been almost 8 years and they still aren't married.

3) After seeing what she has put DH through, Perpetual Fiance would have to be an idiot to marry her since he already has a child with her.

Temporary Custody

2008-03-25T09:37:00.007-04:00

At the custody hearing, worthless lawyer #1 allowed DH to be raked over the coals by the General Master. He claimed DH and BM were wearing "black hats" because she took the boys out of the state, but DH was 'legally' refusing to return them to her (whenever that was going to be convenient for her, apparently). In fact, BM had told DH when he picked them up, not to worry about enrolling them in school, it should only be for 3 or 4 weeks! Are you kidding me?

During the hearing (which BM participated in telephonically since she was still out of state)...

1) DH described the living conditions when we went to pick up the boys at her apartment (remember when we picked them up at the beginning of summer, she met us at the parking lot where she worked) which we had not seen until then. The four of them were living in a studio apartment, the boys were sleeping on a pull out couch, all of their toys were in storage (they had been there for over 6 months already) except for a few matchbox cars and a video game system. I asked to use the bathroom while I was there, and the mirror had a spiderweb of broken glass, as if someone had punched it (and if you think we think it was the fiance, you would be incorrect!)

We also found out when we received SS1's records, that she had moved his school once before she moved (so that it was easier to pick up SS2 at daycare) and then again when she moved, so he had attended 3 different schools in a span of 4 months. He was retained the year he was with her in 1st grade, and was severely behind in reading readiness skills. The 2nd school he was at began the process for considering him for evaluation for ESE (special education), but BM never continued the process at the 3rd school. We would soon find out through the school that we enrolled him in, that he qualified for speech (articulation) and language (processing issues). By third grade he was caught back up enough that he did 1/2 year of 4th grade and 1/2 year of 5th grade to get him back on track.

2) The General Master told BM that if she wanted any chance to get custody, she needed to move back to the home state. BM stated that she had put a deposit down on a house. GM told BM she should have thought about that before she moved out of state. Then BM made a big stink about the fact that DH had moved into my apartment with the boys, because he wasn't on the rental agreement - who cares???

3) BM called her boyfriend her fiance several times in the hearing, until the General Master couldn't take it anymore and asked her if she realized she was at the hearing to get a divorce (implying that she really shouldn't have a fiance yet). It went totally over her head, and she kept referring to him as her fiance! To honor his determination to be there to protect his daughter, I will refer to him in this blog as "Perpetual Fiance".

The Upper Hand

2008-03-25T08:24:00.012-04:00

Summer draws to a close, the boys go back to BM's house on a road trip with her parents. Before we know it, she's telling DH that he has to call her parent's house, and they will call her, and then she will have the boys call DH. There's some mature parenting!

About a month later, Labor Day weekend, DH and I are on our way the eat at the restaurant we had our first official date at, and as we pull into the parking spot, he gets a phone call from BM. She's got the "sick voice" on, and tells DH that she can't care for the boys and he needs to pick them up, since her parents won't.

She asked her parents first? DH was living in the same state as them, about 40 minutes away, and her first thought is the boys should be with her parents????? I'll tell you what her first thought was - who can take them so I don't have to send them to their father! For whatever reason, her parents said no. I'd like to believe they knew deep down that the boys belonged with DH. But they have and still are paying the price for refusing to do that for her. She has held them emotionally and financially hostage ever since.

We made the 14 hour drive that night, only stopping at DH's parents' house to let them know what was going on, and had the boys back in our state, enrolled in school and filed Temporary Custody paperwork by Wednesday.

We did not know at the time that this would be the end of the custody issue, and the beginning of BM's assault on us. We also did not know that she was 5 months pregnant with Perpetual Fiance's baby. It would also be the last thing worthless lawyer #1 accomplished.

Summer 2000, Part 2

2008-03-25T06:08:00.004-04:00

During the summer of 2000, I was still in a delusional fog. DH and I had moved in together before the boys came for visitation, and had about 3 months of bliss. We ate out when we wanted, slept in when we wanted, and basically were only apart for work. We went to concerts, spent time with friends and family, took day trips.

When we got back from vacation in my home state, I treated the boys as I had the children I had nannied over the years, with affection and support, but not as a parental figure.

Oh, so naively, I thought I could befriend BM. After all, she had been unfaithful in their marriage, she had wanted the separation, she had moved away, she had a Perpetual Fiance (and later we would find out, a new baby on the way). Surely, she had moved on. Apparently she just wasn't over the Boyd's Bears yet!

After a couple weeks of hammering things out, she and I were able to negotiate terms for the divorce (at this point, DH and her could not carry on a civil conversation for a minute!) DH would pay back taxes, child support and medical insurance, she would maintain custody with DH having summer visitation and alternating Winter vacation. Papers drawn up by worthless lawyer #1. Papers served. All goes to pot over some stupid Boyd's Bears figurines that she thought DH had taken, and she insisted that she didn't have them and she wanted them back or she wasn't signing anything. (She probably found them later when she unpacked her storage unit!) They must have been very sentimental, since they cost her custody of her children.

Summer 2000, Part 1

2008-03-25T05:50:00.010-04:00

Summer visitation got off to a rocky start. We drove to the state BM had just moved to with the boys, and slept in a parking lot because we were a bit early for the pick-up time. BM sent her Perpetual Fiance to drive around the parking lot to intimidate us. A half-hour late, the boys (ages 7 and 4) show up, running across the parking lot, with BM nowhere to be seen. She arrives 10 minutes later, walking across the parking lot, all smiles, as if she has just been crowned Miss America. DH talked to her for all of about 5 minutes and off we went.

The most disturbing part of the trip, to my home state to enjoy a week's vacation with my family (since we were already half-way there), involved SS1 asking DH why he didn't love them anymore, since he never called and stopped coming to pick them up. Bite your tongue.

Lucky Break

2008-03-25T05:31:00.006-04:00

DH received a phone call from a friend, who lives in the state DH and BM had moved to for a short time, and who was wondering if DH wanted to get together, since the friend had seen BM and the boys the other day (he assumed that DH had moved back with them). HUGE BREAK! We know knew their general location. She had returned to the area that they had just moved from before the separation. A frantic day of calling her parents to let them know he knew where they were, calls to the local school to see if they were enrolled, and an undying urge to drive the 14 hours to "get" them, all resulted in a phone call the next day from BM. She was graciously going to allow the boys to visit DH over the summer. Again, lawyer #1 was of no help, and told DH there was nothing to be done. DH finally procured her address and informed his lawyer that he wanted to file for divorce. Papers were served, but she defaulted. Hearing was set. The day of the hearing, she filed stating that she did not understand that she was in default. Summer visitation is arranged, with DH traveling 14 hours one way to pick the boys up, and her parents taking them back.

How Could They?

2008-03-25T05:18:00.006-04:00

DH tried unsuccessfully to contact BM several times over the next few weeks. He would show up for his visits, but the boys would never arrive. As frustrating as this was, he was not alarmed yet, as she had been very cavalier with his time in the past, and he assumed that this was just another one of her "moods". He called her phone (at first the boys were always "out playing" when he called, eventually the phone was disconnected), he called her work (she no longer worked there), he spoke with her parents (they had no idea what was going on and didn't want to get in the middle of whatever it was-yeah, right), he contacted their school (they had been withdrawn and the secretary flat out refused to tell him what school their records had been forwarded to). By this point, panic had started to set in. Lawyer #1 was absolutely no help, and told DH to just wait until the hearing (it hadn't even been set yet, neither of them had officially filed for divorce due to monetary concerns). Apparently the Separation Agreement already signed by both parties, stating his visitation rights and restricting BM from taking the children out of state, was as valuable as a piece of used toilet paper.

The Prelude

2008-03-25T04:47:00.005-04:00

The first time I met the boys, we took them to a dirt bike race at the local fairgrounds. DH had only weekend visitation at that point, along with a few hours for dinner Wednesday nights. I look back to that day with happiness (the one and only day with them not filled with some degree of anxiety). Thankfully, DH had not yet shared all the drama that had recently occurred, or hinted at all the drama to come, or I'm sure I would not have such fond memories of the day. DH and I had been dating for about a month, he had been legally separated, after 9 years of marriage, for almost 4 months, and emotionally separated for about 6 years.

It was like meeting the children of an old friend from college. We played, laughed, told stories and had a great time. They tried to swindle me out of money, and I made DH pull over the car after realizing they hadn't really put their seat belts on. A typical day with children. After that day, DH couldn't see the boys for 3 months.

The beginning...

2008-03-25T04:38:00.007-04:00

I met DH in a sports bar the weekend before our home team was about to play in the Superbowl. Not a football fan, per se, but looking to hang out with friends. We arrived at the bar and there was not a seat to be had, except one...

DH had just left the bar, started to head home, and after stopping for some fast food, turned around and headed back...

guess who was sitting in his seat???

Today is a Gift

2008-03-25T03:31:00.005-04:00

A tribute to the hurdles of the past, the pleasures of today, and the hope for the future...

...that sums up my goals for this blog. Over the past few months, I have garnered great strength, support and wisdom from several wonderful blogs. Having known no one else, personally, that has experienced what our family has been through, the on-line community has thankfully provided that 'shoulder to lean on'. If stumbling upon this blog provides support for someone that has seen what I've seen, felt what I've felt, or feared what I've feared, even for a moment...then I will have been able to return the favor.