Thank you, Perpetual Fiance!

So apparently Perpetual Fiance has gained control in his own home. Instead of being BM's lapdog and allowing himself to be forced into continuing BM's chaos by making phone threats to DH, he has actually put his foot down. After BM's hysterical verbal beating on SS1 this afternoon, Perpetual Fiance left SS1 a message, letting him know that BM's behavior was inappropriate and that the boys should not be worrying about anything. He then intercepted SS2's call with BM to lay down the same ground rules. Finally! Don't know where this sense of clarity has come from, but the boys certainly appreciate the support. DH knows exactly what this man deals with on a day to day basis with BM, and we've always wanted to have his back should he need our support, but it has been difficult to help when he's made it clear he has been forced to protect his own parental interests with his daughter by doing BM's bidding.

Hopefully, Perpetual Fiance is realizing that only if BM is held accountable for her actions will she ever see the need to get help. (Hopefully for his daughter's sake, he's realizing this sooner than later.)

And the only way that is going to happen is if everyone that interacts with her gets on the same page with us and says enough is enough. Everyone needs to stop allowing her to make DH her scapegoat for why she can treat her children like emotional dart boards. The boys are not her personal therapists. The boys are not her friends. Last week she had the urge to fill some emotional vacuum in her own life by sending SS2 (14) a card that one would give an adult. And I quote "When you were growing up, I knew that one day we would talk like friends - like adults. Now that time is here..." HE'S 14!!! That time is not here, he's not done growing up, he shouldn't be talked to like he's an adult. Sadly, she's been treating them like her adult friends since they were very young. DH hasn't prevented BM from being a parent to the boys, she has vacated the role all on her own. And the only way she can reclaim any sense of parental authority with them after this summer's huffing incident is to take responsibility and reclaim her title as a parent.


But instead she thinks DH is just supposed to make excuses for her behavior and pretend it didn't happen? What kind of parent would he be then? And what chance would the boys have of making any sense of this world? And how safe would the boys be in her care if she is given no limits?


BM has caused enough pain in enough people's lives. It is time she gets the help she needs to appreciate the people in her life who want to see her have positive relationships with those that care about her. For the boys' well-being, we will settle for nothing less.

You'd think she'd learn...

Does BM really think calling the kids to swear, scream, and threaten makes them have a stronger relationship? Clueless and out of control. The boys are so over it. Will she ever understand that she is damaging her relationship with her children herself?

Over the hills, through the woods, it's off to court we go...

DH talked to the caseworker in BM's state. The case is still open. All the other times cases have been opened on BM, they have been closed in a matter of weeks. We are going on to the fourth month now. Obviously there is something else going on over there...perhaps the level of domestic discord in the house? ...perhaps prescription drug addiction? ...perhaps BM's unstable mental health? One can only guess, these are just the things we have experienced - who knows what goes on when the boys aren't there that we don't even know about. The caseworker made it very clear that she does not see the case closing anytime soon - that was all she would tell him. Confidentiality, ya know. WTF? DH is supposed to send two kids to her house and he doesn't have the right to know what is going on there?

DH filed the contempt petition (for the huffing) almost two weeks ago, he's still waiting on a hearing date to serve on BM. It will be very interesting to see how she reacts with the eagle eyes of CPS on her. He's asking the judge to suspend her parenting time (ugh, it makes me just want to gag using that phrase, she is so far from a parent!) until the CPS case is closed, and then require BM to petition the court to resume her time after copies of the report are furnished to the judge and DH, and after a hearing is held. I can't believe we finally have enough to take to court, and BM did it all to herself.

I'll keep you posted as we find out more. As always, the waiting game begins...

Whip-it, whip-it good.

SS1's week trip was midway through SS2's 6 week trip. Shortly after we picked SS1 up from the airport, DH and SS1 took a road trip to visit DH's parents. DH called me from the road - he'd about had it. SS1 had spent 4 hours complaining about his trip. It would take hours to type up all of it, and almost all of it we can't do anything about anyway. However...

...DH starts asking me about whip-its. I'm like, what? He had no idea either, he just said SS1 was pissed about it. So on the internet I go. Ready for this?

Whip-its: using a whipped cream can to suck out the gas which dispenses the whipped cream to get high. In other words, HUFFING. We'd talked to the boys about huffing in the past, but in relation to chemicals like cleaning products or stuff you would find in a garage. But we hadn't even heard of using whipped cream containers.

When DH and SS1 got back from their trip a couple weeks later, we talked to SS1 about it some more. Apparently, SS1 asked BM why there were 8 empty whipped cream containers in her fridge. She then proceeds to tell the boys how cool it is, shows them how to do it, and tells them that her and Perpetual Fiance do it often. Then she tells them to try it. WTF?

As if that wasn't enough, she bought SS1 a pack of cigarettes!

After the shock of it all wore off, DH and I got some advice from several sources. We talked to a couple close friends - same reaction as ours. We talked to our local police chief, who had gotten to know SS1 very well right after his friend's suicide. He offered to come over to the house with the DARE officer to discuss the dangers with the boys, which they followed through on. Did you know you can die instantly from huffing? Of course, MOTY told the boys it was safe because it is the same gas they use at the dentist. Ummmm, I'm pretty sure dentists are licensed to administer that drug. I also posted on a message board I regularly frequent, and the responses were quite in line with what we were planning. After SS2 arrived home, we contacted CPS. Both boys told the investigator what had happened, and we stressed to the boys this was not about getting their mom in trouble, but protecting their sister. If SS1 was there a week and witnessed the huffing, imagine how often their sister sees it happening! She's 8. Even SS2 at 14 didn't realize how serious this is. DH and I would feel awful if we knew that was going on there and something tragic happened. Because we are in different states, the investigation is still ongoing, and of course the Friday before the Monday we talked to the investigator BM left a message on DH's phone saying they are moving back to FormerHomeState, and then moving to one of two other states. So she's on the move, and it may take a while for CPS to catch up to her.

She has not yet given us her new address, so the boys will not be making any trips anytime soon. We're sure she is expecting them at Christmas, but if the case is still open when it is time to make the travel arrangements (early November), we will be doing what we need to do in court to make sure they do not go. Our lawyer finds it very unlikely that the Marital Master would force a trip with an open case with CPS regarding drug use, especially since it is against our court order. Huffing is also against the law in BM's state where this happened, a misdemeanor to do it, a felony to supply chemicals to another to do it. She did both. If there is a CPS finding, criminal charges may follow shortly.

Or, things could go as they usually do when dealing with a PEW, everyone looks the other way...

Final Hearing and Parenting Plan

Final hearing was set for the end of May. Of course, BM waits until the last minute to contact our lawyer to settle. But whatever. Our plan worked, asking for sole decision making completely tweaked her out, and she agreed to everything else in the parenting plan, as long as joint decision making remained. Ummm, yeah. There was no way DH would get sole decision making. But thanks for walking right into that one. You can find the final parenting plan below, with my favorite parts in bold ; )

At the hearing, BM rambles on about the boys' phone again. She told the judge the phone was on my computer. Huh? DH explained the boys' have their own hand held Skype phone with their own voice mail. Marital Master asked DH if he would be willing to tell the boys to call BM if she hasn't heard from them in a week. DH said no problem, but it is not in the order.

This parenting plan is: Proposed by DH and BM
This parenting plan is: Changing a prior final parenting plan or a prior final
custody/visitation order.
This parenting plan is for the following children born to the parties:
SS1, SS2

A. Decision-Making Responsibility:

1. Major Decisions: Both parents maintain joint
decision making responsibility and share in the responsibility for making
major decisions about the children.

2. Day-to-Day Decisions: Each parent shall make day-to day decisions for
the children during the time he/she is caring for the children. In “life threatening”
emergency decisions affecting the health or safety of the
children, the parent who makes the decision will notify the other parent
within 3 hours of the emergency, with a description of the incident,
treatment center name and phone number, and confirmation that
insurance information has been provided to the treatment center. All non
life threatening medical treatment must have prior approval of the child’s
primary care physician in the primary residence location.

B. Residential Responsibility & Parenting Schedule:
1. Routine Schedule: DH will continue to be the primary
residential parent. The children shall negotiate their own visitation
schedule, including no less than two visitations per year with their mother,
BM.

2. Holiday and Birthday Planning: No holiday and birthday schedule shall
apply. The routine schedule set forth above shall apply.

3. Three-day weekends: No three-day weekend schedule shall apply. The
routine schedule set forth above shall apply.

4. Vacation Schedule: No vacation schedule shall apply. The routine
schedule set forth above shall apply.

5. Supervised Parenting Time: Not Applicable

6. Other Parental Responsibilities: Each parent shall promote a healthy,
beneficial relationship between the child(ren) and the other parent and
shall not demean or speak out negatively in any manner that would
damage the relationship between either parent and the child(ren). Neither
parent shall permit the child(ren) to be subjected to persons abusing
alcohol or using illegal drugs. This includes the abuse of alcohol or the
use of illegal drugs by the parent.

C. Legal Residence of a Child for School Attendance:
The children shall attend school in the school district where the parent with
primary residential responsibility resides. Under this plan, that parent is DH.

D. Transportation and Exchange of the Children:
All parties shall receive notification of travel dates no less than 45 days prior to
the beginning of the visitation period. DH will be financially
responsible for 2 visitations per child per year. Once travel arrangements are made, there will be no changes in departure/return dates or destinations. Only flights cancelled by the airline will be rebooked by the purchasing party.

E. Information Sharing and Access, Including Telephone and Electronic Access:
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s school
records, and both parents are encouraged to consult with school staff concerning
the child(ren)’s welfare and education. Both parents are encouraged to
participate in and attend the child(ren)’s school events.
Both parents have equal rights to inspect and receive governmental agency and
law enforcement records concerning the child(ren).
Both parents have equal rights to consult with any person who may provide care
or treatment for the child(ren) and to inspect and receive the child(ren)’s medical,
dental or psychological records, subject to other statutory restrictions.

Each parent has a continuing responsibility to provide a residential, mailing, or
contact address and contact telephone number to the other parent.

1. Parent-Child Telephone Contact: The children shall be given privacy
during their conversations with either parent. The children are at an age that
they can decide the frequency of initiating phone contact and returning phone
calls. While in the care of DH, the children are provided their own
telephone and telephone line, with voicemail for BM to access. While in
the care of BM, a call will be made by DH to her phone once
a week to speak to the children, with the children being able to determine
frequency of any other calls. On school nights, telephone calls will cease 10
minutes before each child’s usual bedtime.

2. Parent-Child Written Communications: Both parents and children shall
have the right to communicate in writing or by emailing (as available) during
reasonable hours.

F. Relocation of a Residence of a Child:
The relocation of a child’s residence in which s/he lives at least 150 days per
year is governed by RSA 461-A:12. In general, either parent may move the
child’s residence if it results in the parents living closer and if it will not affect the child’s school enrollment. Prior to relocating the child’s residence farther from the other parent or in such a way that school enrollment will be impacted, the parent
shall provide reasonable notice to the other parent. For purposes of this section,
60 days notice shall be presumed to be reasonable unless other factors are
found to be present. At the request of either parent, the court shall hold a hearing
on the relocation issue.

G. Procedure for Review and Adjustment of Parenting Plan:
Any agreed-on changes, on an as needed basis, shall be written down, signed by
both and filed with the court by DH. (Each should keep a copy.) Any
such agreements may not be revoked or changed without subsequent written
agreement by both parties. Any violations of written agreements filed with the
court will be considered contempt of this order.

H. Method(s) for Resolving Disputes:
In the future, if a parent requests to alter the parenting plan and the other parent
declines, it is the responsibility of the requesting parent to seek the help of a
neutral third party to assist them, and the requesting party is responsible for any
charges that may be incurred. Only if the parents are unable to work out the
disagreement after seeking third party assistance will they ask the court to decide
the issue. If necessary, upon request of either party, a mutually agreeable
neutral third party can assist with the visitation negotiation process. The
requesting party is responsible for any charges that may be incurred.

I. Other Parenting Agreements:
1. Contact between BM and DH will be by written
communication or voice mail messages, unless dealing with emergency
medical or flight rebookings due to a flight being cancelled by the airline.
Email communications for day to day issues will be acceptable.

2. Upon obtaining a driver’s license, the child(ren) will be listed as an
insured driver on BM’s insurance policy or she shall not allow the
child(ren) to operate a motor vehicle during her parenting time.



This summer, SS1 went to BM's for 1 week. SS2 went for 6 weeks (a far cry from the "whole summer" she demanded last year ; ) We have a feeling next year he will only go out for 4 weeks, he thought 6 weeks was too long - not surprising since his main activity was babysitting his sister day in and day out.

For the most part, the time the boys were there was uneventful for us. We did receive one call from the pediatrician letting us know that BM had called AGAIN about trying to get SS2's thyroid tested. Pediatrician let her know that if there were any concerns, she would discuss it with DH after SS2 got back. We had dropped off the order in her office before the boys left, so she was well aware that BM needed her approval for anything. By the way, since last summer's thyroid fiasco, SS2 gained only 3 pounds in a year and grew almost and inch and a half. He came back from 6 weeks with BM this summer 20 pounds heavier. Me thinks it has little to do with his thyroid. Get a clue.


Since this order has been in place, BM had violated several parts. What's it been, 4 months?

1) She had SS1 drive this summer, and he is not on her insurance.

2) She spent the whole first day of SS1's trip ranting about DH and everything from the past she could sqeeze in. SS1 finally told her it has nothing to with him and he didn't want to hear about it. I'm sure SS2 got an earful too, but he's under strict instructions not to discuss anything with us, though.

2) She and the boys used an illegal drug TOGETHER. See next post...